my 2nd published work

my first published work was in high school and it took me around 10 years to have another one published. it was in the Youngblood section of YOU in INQ7.net where it appeared. it was during the month of August 2001 (i can't really recall the date now) when i saw it. but unlike my first published work, nobody among my circle of friends knew i had something i wrote published. why you may ask? this was something personal for me (...then) and i wanted only one person to read it.... that one person is the one i am referring to in this essay.

writing for Youngblood came as an invitation for me to try it from an officemate of mine. she had one of her stories posted and she showed it to me with great pride. who wouldn't be, you have your name in a broad sheet somewhere and there may be millions reading it!

so i tried... i knew, in order to create a piece that is true and heartfelt, i had to write something that i am emotionally attached to then. after about less than 2 hours, i came with the following:

best of me (no more games)

Having to say a “I’ve found the girl of my dreams” is a tad bit childish, something you may frequently hear from teenagers gathering around in your nearby McDonalds. To hear it from a 26-year old engineer, highly unlikely. But I said the exact same thing to my barkada during a round of drinks in a bar, one Monday evening. Amidst all the “kamustahan,” jokes, and other stories worth sharing, I made an announcement: “P’re, I’ve found the girl of my dreams. I think she is the one I can spend time with. All I need to do now is to make her say yes!” With that, we all roared in laughter. Here we are, on a Monday at that, laughing so hard that the few other bar patrons around may have thought we are lousy drunks with nothing else to do. But I know better, we all know better.

This was the same group of guys I’ve been around with since high school. The same group of guys I shared happy moments such as this one, or sad ones. Sure, we may now only be 5 from the 17 we use to be during high school but we are the ones people will associate with each other always. These are the same group of guys who saw me through to two rejections 2 years apart in high school and my first year in college. The same guys who knew when I finally had a girlfriend during my 4th year in college, and the same ones who saw me transform from being a rather shy person with girls to a very confident one around them.

Yes, I was different from who I was in high school. I guess it started during my 5th year in ECE studies. Being a 5th year senior in an all-boys school, we had opportunities to mingle with girls from known all-girls schools on official and unofficial functions. Gradually, I was able to be around in group-dates then on one-on-one dates. By the time I graduated, I have dated a girl from that all-girls school and another one who I met through a friend.

When I got to work, opportunities for going out with someone was a bit easier if only for the reason I need not save my lunch money like what I did during college, my pay could take care of that. I’ve met several girls from my company, was able to befriend them, go on with group “meryenda’s” on a nearby “carinderia”, and then later on ask one of them out. In my second company, I was able to very much do the same. I was dating women in and out of the company frequently that sometimes, I find it difficult to make my pay last till the next payday but that was OK, I was enjoying every bit of it.

My barkada knew of this “new” me and they were happy about it. So do the people who knew me during high school and the heartaches that I had then. They were pleasantly happy that I was able to change from being a pathetic loser to a confident bachelor. I loved the “new” me. But there were others who thought the opposite. A former officemate of mine said I was playing around with other women’s feelings, asking them out on dates then not courting them, she even said it infront of my other officemates. I was a bit stumped on the beginning but I managed to answer with a little bit of a compromise offered. I said, I am dating them to get to know them better, to get to feel if there is chemistry between us, and that if everything turns out fine, I would pursue them romantically. But often times, I did not.

You see I am not that lucky with girlfriends. Had a girlfriend who was so immature it makes you miserable? I did. Had a girlfriend who was fixed to be married to a foreigner (yes it also happens in real life)? I did. Had a girlfriend who broke up with you just because you initially laughed when she asked for your thoughts on marriage, when she was only 22? I did! Being able to date a number of women doesn’t translate to finding that one person you can commit your time with. That doesn’t mean I don’t court women because I find some fault in them during dates. In fact some of them are real girlfriend-material, someone you could introduce to your mother and have her feel proud of you. Most of the times there is something missing; a spark, a magical thing that you find hard to explain but you most certainly feel, something you knew the first time you talked or just even see her, something you just realized you’ve always wanted.

That how I felt toward Reese. She was also from the same company I now work in. She is attractive no doubt, that I knew the first time I saw her. But what I was attracted to the most is who she really is. I used to describe her as refreshing, someone that would brighten your day by just being around with. She doesn’t hide who she is because she doesn’t need to. She is so friendly, smart, vibrant, charming, level-headed, I could use a lot more adjectives but that would not nearly do her justice. She is just captivating.

Now come the concerns. Being the person that she is, there are a lot more other guys attracted to her. In our company, I knew of 4 other guys who openly said they like her. She also has not had a boyfriend, by choice, so one may think she would most likely choose that one person that would reflect her level of being captivating, to be her first. She comes from an affluent and conservative family where ideals are held high. She is the only girl from a brood of three. She radiates an aura of being a comely, refined lady.

What have I to show for myself? I am not that good-looking. I am a rugged, athletic guy who finds sweat coming from a game of basketball to be very manly. I was accused of playing with the feelings of other women. I was a typical bachelor who sees a night in the red light district as some guy-tradition we must perform from time to time. In the realm of all that is true, I will be asked, whether directly or indirectly, what could I offer to see me worthy of her affection?

Well, I don’t play games anymore. I’ve been there, done that. I realize that games are better left for kids to play. What I feel now is true and I would not do anything to compromise it. Even without this feeling, I feel that I owe it to myself to stop doing the things that can underscore your character and just be the best person you can be.

What can I offer her? Just the best of me. Will that be enough? I hope so. Well, if she chooses me, I might as well consider myself the luckiest man on this earth. If she doesn’t choose me? Well… lets just hope that doesn’t happen ok?

my 1st published work

'twas in high school, in the second edition of "buklod diwa," our school's paper. in the literary section, i had my poem published. it was actually my second poem and like the first one, was dedicated to a girl from the 3rd year (i was in my 4th year) class.

back then, you score major points when you have the whole school read the poem you made. and the girl you dedicate that poem for becomes enamoured with you suddenly. how can she not, when all her friends are at her ear saying i am the sweetest guy around.... hahaha.

i will publish that poem here. if only i could find the actual school paper where that was posted (i saved all 4 issues from my senior year in high school), i would have scanned it and posted it here instead. but somehow, i can't find it. so i had to settle for writing it down for you all to read. i had to lift it from the actual notebook i first wrote it into.

but before you rip my head off after reading the poem, be reminded that i wrote it in high school... a time when being sappy is synonymous with being sweet. also, note that it was only my second poem... i haven't even known about syllable counts and thought processing. all i knew then was to have the lines rhyme.

so please understand? hahaha.

waiting is not forever

remember when i said i can wait
and wait without an exact date
for you to realize that i care
and accept my love with no one to dare

somebody said im a fool
waiting for a girl when i can be cool
that i can get another girl in a snap
with a promise not to have a single gap

i did not pay attention to what he said
it did not bring sleepless nights in bed
because i know its just another obstacle
one that i must try to handle

questions came into my mind
questions which i left behind
is she worth it, can i last
did i learn from lessons of the past

yes, she is the kind of girl to wait for
with a face i'd like to see some more
a smile that can enlighten my day
and sweetness that can lead my way

yes i can wait, i can hold on
obstacles may soon be gone
days that pass we must remember
because waiting may not be forever

... the one that started it all.

i remember high school and my barkada were the coolest ones in school. there are 17 of us who first got together because of a common liking for basketball. later on we rediscovered we had other things in common.... like girls, how much we loved girls in high school...

back then, we tried everything to capture the heart of the girls. one great idea came from one of us who was also an editor of the school paper. he said: why not post poems on the school paper? now that is a great idea!

then i remember one scene from the movie dead poets society. in that scene, one of the guys began reciting a poem that unknown to the girl he was reciting it to, was written by a known poet. what a good way to reel in a girl! butter them up with poetry! hahaha.

here is that poem in full:

she walks in beauty; by lord byron

she walks in beauty like the night
of cloudless climes and starry skies
and all that's best of dark and bright
meet in her aspect and her eyes
thus mellowed to that tender light
which heaven to gaudy day denies.

one shade the more, one ray the less
had half impaired this nameless grace
which waves in ev'ry raven trees
or softly lightens o'er her face
where thought serenely sweet express
how pure, how dear their dwelling place.

and on the cheek and o'er the brow
so soft, so calm yet eloquent
the smiles that win, the tints that glow
but tell of days in goodness spent
a mind at peace with all below
a heart who's love is innocent.

prelude

writing has always played a big part of my life. i really don't know why but there is just something about putting your thoughts into words and writing it down on a piece of paper.

and i could write! i wrote everything: poems, essays, quotes, short stories, love letters.... and this blog would host some of the words and writings that became a part of my life. pieces that were fruits of inspiration... because that is all you need to write something true and heartfelt.

most of those that will posted from this point on are my own words and writings. some are from acknowledged writers. some even came from movies. however, all of them has contributed to the person i am now... a person with a whole lot to give.

so enjoy reading... read and know the person i am.