anybody want a cigarette?
i have posted here, my only 2 works that was published somewhere, sometime ago. one piece i made just recently (actually a couple of months ago) , an essay, i thought i could pass on into Youngblood again and hoped to be published. but since Youngblood has sort of re-formatted into publishing only one work per week, i knew my chances to have this one published is slim. so i decided on the next best thing, posting it here in my blog... after all this was meant to be a repository of words and writings...
i made this essay several months after a particularly painful event in my life. it came when i was in a crossroad and i had to choose whether to continue with the road i am trekking now or to go a different direction. following what i was feeling at that particular point, i chose the latter.
in the realm of writing something true and heartfelt, this was one that would be true to my ideals in writing... that is putting into words, the emotions and feelings that i have...
yosi tayo!
One of the things I was proud of before was that I never succumbed to the temptations of smoking. I never even tried a single puff. Not even when most of my closest friends have been smoking for most of the time that we were together. Not even when I have dated several women who do smoke. Not even when I had a girlfriend who does smoke.
Then, a couple of months after my 29th birthday, I saw myself asking one of my closest friends if I can have one cigarette. With a smile that belies disbelief, he handed me one. Before I knew it, I already consumed four cigarettes. All of my friends were finding the whole thing amusing; they even took several pictures of me smoking. But for me it was never amusing, because several hours before, my fiancée and I had a major disagreement over the phone. I never told my friends about it, I just asked them if they would want to get together for a round of drinks and they accepted. During the whole night-out, we were all laughing and joking around but deep inside I was hurting. I wanted to scream and shout but I can't do that. I wanted to do something crazy, something surprising, something that is not within my character… so I smoked a cigarette, for the first time in my life.
A couple of days had come to past, after we patched things up, I told my fiancée about me smoking. She was generally surprised but knew and understood why I did it. She herself is into smoking albeit only occasionally and never out of a whim. We just didn't talk about it anymore.
Several days after, she asked me if she could smoke while with me. I asked her why but she said she just needed to smoke. I relented and then bought her a pack of her cigarette brand and a lighter. I then gave her a stick then lighted it. I took one myself and lighted it. She just looked at me. We puffed the cigarette in silence. Halfway to my cigarette stick, I felt I had enough and threw it out. I then crumpled the rest of the pack of cigarettes together and threw it out of the car together with the lighter. My fiancée looked at me and asked why. I said "I really didn't want to smoke."
The next month saw us breaking the engagement and then breaking up altogether. It was a very difficult time for me but I managed with the help of my family and friends. I was tempted to smoke again but found the strength to resist it.
Then several months after, while with a group of officemates in Tagaytay, this new girl from our group approached me and offered a cigarette from her pack of Marlboro Lights. Instinctively, I took one. That night, I started to smoke again.
Before long, I understood what other smokers are saying when they contend that it's great to smoke after a hearty meal, or that smoking while on a night out helps you when the beer starts to taste differently (roughly the same time you feel like you are nearing your intoxication tolerance level). But for me, smoking came as a challenge; if I can do something I really did not want to do (that is smoking), then I can do something my heart doesn't want me to do (to forget my feelings for my ex- fiancée). It was psychological to say the least but if I can learn to like smoking, then I can learn to accept what fate held up for me and my ex, then I can let go.
I've had different reasons for smoking. It started when I was just pissed off. Then, it became a challenge. Right now, if I do smoke, I'll do it because I am willingly letting myself be influenced by the same girl from the office (although she has a few months tucked under her belt now so she isn't new anymore) who offered me a cigarette in Tagaytay. I really have come to know her more and enjoyed her presence in and out of the office. She has added color to my life that has become more of black and white the past several months.
I long to hear her say again; "tara, yosi tayo!" This time around, I'll light up a cigarette, smoke it, and then enjoy the company of the one person that made me smile again and be hopeful for the future.
i made this essay several months after a particularly painful event in my life. it came when i was in a crossroad and i had to choose whether to continue with the road i am trekking now or to go a different direction. following what i was feeling at that particular point, i chose the latter.
in the realm of writing something true and heartfelt, this was one that would be true to my ideals in writing... that is putting into words, the emotions and feelings that i have...
yosi tayo!
One of the things I was proud of before was that I never succumbed to the temptations of smoking. I never even tried a single puff. Not even when most of my closest friends have been smoking for most of the time that we were together. Not even when I have dated several women who do smoke. Not even when I had a girlfriend who does smoke.
Then, a couple of months after my 29th birthday, I saw myself asking one of my closest friends if I can have one cigarette. With a smile that belies disbelief, he handed me one. Before I knew it, I already consumed four cigarettes. All of my friends were finding the whole thing amusing; they even took several pictures of me smoking. But for me it was never amusing, because several hours before, my fiancée and I had a major disagreement over the phone. I never told my friends about it, I just asked them if they would want to get together for a round of drinks and they accepted. During the whole night-out, we were all laughing and joking around but deep inside I was hurting. I wanted to scream and shout but I can't do that. I wanted to do something crazy, something surprising, something that is not within my character… so I smoked a cigarette, for the first time in my life.
A couple of days had come to past, after we patched things up, I told my fiancée about me smoking. She was generally surprised but knew and understood why I did it. She herself is into smoking albeit only occasionally and never out of a whim. We just didn't talk about it anymore.
Several days after, she asked me if she could smoke while with me. I asked her why but she said she just needed to smoke. I relented and then bought her a pack of her cigarette brand and a lighter. I then gave her a stick then lighted it. I took one myself and lighted it. She just looked at me. We puffed the cigarette in silence. Halfway to my cigarette stick, I felt I had enough and threw it out. I then crumpled the rest of the pack of cigarettes together and threw it out of the car together with the lighter. My fiancée looked at me and asked why. I said "I really didn't want to smoke."
The next month saw us breaking the engagement and then breaking up altogether. It was a very difficult time for me but I managed with the help of my family and friends. I was tempted to smoke again but found the strength to resist it.
Then several months after, while with a group of officemates in Tagaytay, this new girl from our group approached me and offered a cigarette from her pack of Marlboro Lights. Instinctively, I took one. That night, I started to smoke again.
Before long, I understood what other smokers are saying when they contend that it's great to smoke after a hearty meal, or that smoking while on a night out helps you when the beer starts to taste differently (roughly the same time you feel like you are nearing your intoxication tolerance level). But for me, smoking came as a challenge; if I can do something I really did not want to do (that is smoking), then I can do something my heart doesn't want me to do (to forget my feelings for my ex- fiancée). It was psychological to say the least but if I can learn to like smoking, then I can learn to accept what fate held up for me and my ex, then I can let go.
I've had different reasons for smoking. It started when I was just pissed off. Then, it became a challenge. Right now, if I do smoke, I'll do it because I am willingly letting myself be influenced by the same girl from the office (although she has a few months tucked under her belt now so she isn't new anymore) who offered me a cigarette in Tagaytay. I really have come to know her more and enjoyed her presence in and out of the office. She has added color to my life that has become more of black and white the past several months.
I long to hear her say again; "tara, yosi tayo!" This time around, I'll light up a cigarette, smoke it, and then enjoy the company of the one person that made me smile again and be hopeful for the future.
posted by jones at 1:39 PM
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