of losing a loved one

last year, both my grandparents from my mother side died 5 months between each other. they represented the first 2 deaths in our immediate family. we were all devastated. but we had each other to depend on for strength. then there were friends who alleviated the pain by being with us and sharing our loss.

this week, 2 of my close friends lost a parent. last easter sunday, at 2am, my good friend cecilio lost his father to aneurysm. then, last monday at around noon, my bestfriend lost his aunt, the one person he considered both a mother and a father growing up. for us who belonged to the same barkada, we lost "itay" and "tita."

in times of loses, its always good to hold the hands of family and friends for strength and support.

to itay and tita: we love you and we miss you! but we know that you are in a much better place now, a place where there is no more pain and sufferings. and we know in our hearts, you're still there!

itay, tita, along with my lolo and lola now count themselves as part of our guardian angels. they will be with us, forever!

when guys get older

i've never really thought about getting old. i guess i was one of those who believed that men, like wine, gets better with age.

but somehow, as the months go nearer to the day i turn 3 0, i can't help but hear things around me, inside my head, everywhere...

a former colleague of mine wanted to set me up with his friend saying i should dip my feet again on the dating pool since "di ka na bumabata." my ex-girlfriend thanked me for my birthday greeting by saying "thanks Kuya Jon." that lingering thought from my former boss who said i should marry and have a child while im still in my 20s so that when the child grows up, i can still take care of them instead of the other way around.

those thoughts are all around me...

but the prevailing thought in all of this came from my parents, who for the first time, gave me their 2 cents worth regarding my personal life. they said: try to go for a serious relationship. don't just settle for dates and playing the field. you are not getting any younger!

yes, somehow, a guy gets old and everybody notices it... if and only if he is still single and unattached.

i never really given much thought about settling down. i kept on saying that i can settle down with somebody anytime. its not a matter of when (or how old i am when i do it) but a matter of settling down with the right person.

but when you have gone through the process of meeting the (supposed) right girl, loving her truly, then getting engaged; you are bound to look for the same thing the next time around. you may have failed the first time around in planning to spend eternity with one person, but definitely when the wounds heal, you will long for that feeling again.

this is the reason why inspite of all the voices i am hearing, im staying still and not rushing into things. because for me right now, i won't be wasting any of my time fooling and playing around like i was 2 years ago (before i met the supposed right girl). i've been there, done that.

i'd rather be with someone i enjoy spending time with even when the time is spent just talking about even the simplest of things. i'd rather spend time with someone i can be myself with, no pretentions, no hidden agendas. i'd rather be with someone that has the makings of being the one but without the pressures of getting there abruptly. i'd rather be with someone that makes my heart feel young, with the feeling so light, riding the waves of bliss.

getting to be 30 in a couple of months somehow signals that indeed, im getting older. but at that age, when your heart knows what it wants, knows the virtue of patience, and understands the beauty of loving truly; guys like me then, never grow old.

chasing amy

I love you, do you love me?

I love you and not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced attraction puppy dog way although I'm sure that's what you call it. I love you, very simply, very truly.

You're the epitome of everything I've ever looked for in another human being and I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it, I just can't take this anymore, I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels, I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably like queer our friendship, but I had to say it cause I've never felt this way before and I don't care, I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this out tonight means that we can't hang out anymore then that hurts me but God I couldn't allow another day without getting it out there regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face, is to be the inevitable shoot down and you know I'll accept that but I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment and if there is a moment of hesitation then that means you feel something too and all I ask is that you please not dismiss that and try to dwell on it for just 10 seconds.

There isn't another soul on this whole planet who has made me half of the person I am when I'm with you. And I'd risk this friendship for a chance to take it to the next plateau because it's there between you and me you can't deny that. Even if we never talk again after tonight please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me.

-- taken from a scene from Chasing Amy where Holden (Ben Affleck) expresses his feelings to Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams).

unable to sleep (again)

as in the case of the past several weeks, im still up and unable to sleep early. it makes no difference if i need to report to work in the morning or in the afternoon or if its the weekend... i just can't get myself to sleep early...

right now, the usual time when i get sleepy is anywhere between 2am to 4am. that usually is not a problem when i go to work in the afternoon. but if i am in the regular shift (9am), that's when it turns out to be a little iffy... that is when i need to have coffee in the morning, when i get to the office, then after lunch... coffee sustains me (and ofcourse my daily dose of multivitamins).

i wrote here before about this already. i wrote something why i can't sleep. and i know why. but i also know that it is self inflicted. why? well i tend to think about things a lot... sometimes, i get to a point that i overly analyze things up to exhaustion. by then, sleeping it of is the only recourse.

yes, im an analytical person... too analytical perhaps. that kind of thing pays of when done in the context of work since analytical skills form a big part of every employee's framework. but when being analytical is done in the context of one's personal life? it then becomes both a gift and a curse. a gift because i tend to factor-in what my mind says. a curse because i tend to factor-in my mind in personal things too much.... which then results in this... spending early part of the day on the internet and unable to sleep.

maybe i should start not getting my head more on my personal life. after all, that is the essense of the personal life, you let your heart guide you through it. but then again, if my head and my heart are saying 2 separate things, where do you go?

as for me, ill try to go to my bed, turn off the lights, lie down, and close my eyes. maybe, just maybe, sleep will visit me soon. i need it. my body is weakend by flu-like symptoms the last couple of days, my mind has been over-loaded by thoughts of work and of my personal life, and my heart has been in and out of emotional coma...

sleep is my salvation, my hiding place, my escape. i long for it now...

how we perceive beauty

this was written last march 4 while im still in hongkong.

it is the tail-end of my stay here in hongkong. i should have been back home a week ago but complications with my workload here prevented me from doing so.

it was sad that i wasn't able to go home last saturday. i was actually walking at nathan road in hongkong during the time my supposed flight home was in the air...

but i was here for work not for anything else... so i dealt with it.

along with the extended stay was a transfer to a different residence. from the busy, urban lifestyle that is at eaton hotel in nathan road, i transferred to a laid-back, quiet lifestyle of hongkong sports residence in sha tin, new territories. eaton hotel, apparently was fully-booked and couldn't extend my stay... so off i go to far-away sha tin.

the first couple of days were terrible. i really couldn't hide my disappointment in the place. there was really no place to go! its very unlike in nathan road where there are tons of place to go to. the place was quiet. it was sort of a country club where you can have membership to avail of the sports facilities available (and there are a lot of sport facilities available here... a lot... the complete facility for sports, i mean it).

and the cold weather in that place is actually harder for a guy coming from a tropical country like me. it is widely thought of that the temperature in that place is 2 degrees lower than in the rest of hongkong.

but it kinda grew on me. the other night, i walked on a very well lighted road outside of the sports facility. it stretched towards the banks of the shing mun river. that place is really beautiful. its like one of those lovely streets in paris where you can easily fall in love. on the opposite banks of the river is the treasure floating restaurant where it illuminates the whole surroundings.

what is actually beautiful and what is not, does not really refer to aesthetics or what one has that the other does not have. beauty comes from within us and how we reflect it on everybody and everything around.