faith, hope, and love

as i passed by the empty room, nearing the door, i saw it. a sign, a symbol. it glowed amid the darkened sky on the hills not far away. it was a symbol that has been lost in my person for the past year or so...

entering college, that sign/symbol was more of an emphasis for me. it was engrained in the teachings and lessons in the classroom. it touched me, thought me, guided me...

it was the sign of the cross. the crucifix. the symbol of my faith. the faith on the catholic church. the symbol that reminded me, all of us, of the sacrifice Jesus made for all of us. the sign guided me to become a better person.

don't get me wrong, i never lost faith in Him. however, what i did lose is my way to Him. all the teachings engrained to me were still there in my heart. i just didn't have the strength now to act on what was thought and instilled in me.

last year, everything that was thought in me about this faith since childhood, fostered while growing up, cemented during college, was finally bearing its fruit in my personal life. the path was lightened and it was a storybook-like life i have lived then, so i thought.

that was when i met her. her name was one that conotated the Blessed Mother, and she was every bit as captivating. she was beauty personified... and she was even a person that served the church.

having met her brought out the best in me, and everybody noticed it. in my mind, i will never be deserving of her in my then state. i had to be a better person. so i changed for the better. the more i changed my ways, the more i learned that i was not changing for her, i was changing for myself. she brought out that inspiration.

i thanked God for her. we both lived our lives with Him guiding us.

but then it was not a storybook ending. we parted ways. what i thought was forever was not meant to be. and i became lost. i started to ponder why God's grand design for me had panned out that way. why? us being together was short of magical, almost miracle-like, no doubt handled by His delicate hands. so why did it end that way?

so i lost my way. i never lost faith in Him. i just lost my way.

what happened the year or so after was like a blur: i thought i found love again, but i was wrong; i was in and out of some meaningless relationships; i longed for affection but also feigned it; i met women and thought they could be the one only to be slammed to the ground with the reality that i will not find love... it will find me.

in all of this, i didn't ask Him for help or guidance. a part of me became rebellious. how can i be allowed to feel true, wonderful love for the first time then had it snatched the life out of me?

but another part of me was still hopeful. hopeful that this was all God's plan after all. His grand design for me was not yet complete.

then i saw the sign of the cross on the horizon earlier. an eerie cold went through my body. i stood out under the moonlight, lighted a cigarette as thoughts run through my mind. the bible said something that there remained, faith, hope, and love... those three are forever intertwined!

all this time, i was waiting for the one woman that would make me feel what i felt when i was with my girlfriend last year. i knew that was the real thing so i was looking for the same feeling.

but again, you will never find love... it finds you. i just had to be patient. more so, i should never lose hope (not that i did). faith then comes and strengthens the foundation. love will then come.

i was so much into the magic of last year that i lost my way trying to find it again. i should have never lost my way... He was there always! i should have just used my faith in Him to strengthen my foundation, used Him as my guide.

in my heart, i never lost hope. i lost my way, yes, but hope i did not. but my faith wasn't there so love never really made its way to me.

as recent as an hour ago, i had questions about the feelings that has intensified in my heart the recent weeks. it made me indecisive. but seeing the sign in the horizon and what it symbolizes, now i know what i should do.

i have to rebuild my faith so that it can go hand-in-hand with hope. then, maybe then, love will come. when it does, the answers to my questions will be the wind that blows away doubt and ushers in an embraced truth!