caring for someone

if you care for someone, you would want what's best for them. if you care for someone, you will feel genuine concern for what she is doing especially if this would lead to them being hurt.

if you care for someone, you will feel responsible if you do not atleast talk to her about your concerns about her and what she is doing.

but what can you do, if that someone you care for doesn't seem to mind getting herself in the position that might cause her pain?

what can you do if that someone does what she does seemingly because she is happy doing it, without actually looking to the repercussions of her actions?

what can you do if that someone wouldn't really care for your concerns as long as she is happy doing what she is doing?

so i will do nothing... nothing but to wish and hope that whatever she is doing will eventually result into happiness for her, even if that seems bleak now.

nobody wants to be saved if she feels she doesn't need saving. so who are we to intrude?

hanging-out

this was getting to be an all too familiar scenario...

again there were the four of us, hanging out in the bar area of our favorite friday night hang-out. we were half-sitting on high stools with our backs against the bar looking out into the stage area where a very cool and hip band was playing r&b and dance music.

but right in front of us are ladies, dancing to the tune of the band music, some even going as far as gyrating seductively. they were all there in the railing that separates the elevated bar area into the main sitting area and the stage.

as we are all just boys, we enjoyed the view... and the music of course (lest i forget to mention). and like the last time (2 weeks ago), one by one, my friends left the high stools and interacted until i was the only one left.

no, i didn't look like a lone pathetic thing out there. as the bar area was really packed, i was actually dancing a bit while exchanging smiles and bottle toasts to almost everybody around.

i was the only one though who didn't make any concerted effort to interact. i was just happy moving to the beat of the music with a bottle of san mig light on one hand and a cigarette on the other.

my friends sometimes would wisk me to meet their new and/or old friends: my doctor friend introduced me to this tall chic who was with 2 other attractive ladies; and my other friend ushered in a lady friend we knew just a month ago. i would wave and say hi, offer small talk, or sometimes give the usual beso-beso. but other than that, i was cool on my own.

then all of the sudden, a couple of ladies went from the railings and on their way to the loo. as the railing suddenly became open, my other friend went there to get a better view of the band and all of the other people dancing on the main area. i nudged my way next to him and we both scanned the area for other acquaintances.

then i saw somebody i haven't seen in about a year or so. this was a familiar scenario up until now .

she was with a couple of friends whom i also knew. but i knew her more, she knew me more.

i whispered to my friend who was with me in the railing and pointed to the lady i haven't seen in ages. as my friend asked about her and i answered, the memories came back.

once upon a time, we were also identified with one another. though not romantically committed, we used fridays as a day we could always meet on this same bar and enjoy the night dancing and drinking.

the reminiscing stopped as she raised her eyes towards the elevated bar area and saw me. she smiled and mouthed the word "hi". i just smiled back. they kept on dancing and we kept on drinking and moving to the music.

in between the stolen glances from her, my friend noticed and tried to push me into doing something about it. i just said "too much history." then after a while, i was back in my element; drinking and dancing to the music.

this has been an ongoing discovery on myself. i was actually in this bar to be with my friends and to unwind, nothing more. no more trying to get cozy with ladies, no more exchanging mobile phone numbers, and more importantly, no more going home with anybody except with all of us when we call it a day.

it even is a stretch remembering the last time i did all of those things. and while this may sound boring as compared to the activities my other friends are doing at the same time, im happy on how this turned out.

im hanging-out with my friends and enjoying the night!

losing and finding...

the past 3 years saw a major transition in my personal life. from being the free-spirited, anything-goes, i-don't-care-what-happens-next attitude towards having relationships (read: pseudo-relationships) to actually going into one.

and it took one serious relationship to start the transition. since then, i long for going into something that could lead me to... well, maybe forever.

since early 2004, i got myself involved emotionally with 3 women. the first one became the first girlfriend i had whom i entertained thoughts of marriage. the second one first became a good friend until feelings got in the way. the third was unexpected, a pleasant surprise that came to my life.

however, eeringly, all 3 had something common when i came in. all 3 had their greatest love as an ex-flame when i came in. i was the next guy to come in after a long and emotionally draining experience they had with those other guys.

so naturally, i had to contend with high expectations, not to mention their guarded trust towards men as a whole. but most of all, i had to contend with the question whether i will be enough for them to completely let go of their ex-flames.

the answer has been a resounding NO to the first 2 women. hopefully the last one would be different.

yet the whole experience hasn't left me scarred. maybe its because i was in the situation they were in from the time of the 2nd woman.

you see, part of my growth emotionally is the acceptance of when enough is enough. sure, i will acknowledge that a big part of me getting over the first woman is the presence of the second. not suprisingly, a big part of getting over the second was the presence of the third.

however, the main reason why i can move on is that i am giving myself a chance to move on. i learned how to accept that maybe, who i am and what i can offer may never be enough for any of the first 2 women. that maybe, i am not the answer to what they wanted/what they needed. i just need to be where i can be the answer to another.

so is it fair? that being in the presence of another will heal my own heartaches? maybe, maybe not.

however, i do know that if i am with a new woman, i will not let myself be taken back and be enamoured to the previous woman. i am with someone new, i wouldn't jeopardize it for anything.

i am with someone new! she is, as i said, a welcomed surprise in my life. we may or may not end up together, but the mindset that allows me to block off my past and focus on the present will be the same mindset that will allow me to explore what we can be to one another.

i am happy right now. the heartaches of my past will only fuel me to look into my future with vigor. because i had my heart broken, twice. i will not stop until my heart knows that it has found someone that would complete the only thing missing in my life.

yes, maybe i have found her... and i do hope she also found me.