losing and finding...
the past 3 years saw a major transition in my personal life. from being the free-spirited, anything-goes, i-don't-care-what-happens-next attitude towards having relationships (read: pseudo-relationships) to actually going into one.
and it took one serious relationship to start the transition. since then, i long for going into something that could lead me to... well, maybe forever.
since early 2004, i got myself involved emotionally with 3 women. the first one became the first girlfriend i had whom i entertained thoughts of marriage. the second one first became a good friend until feelings got in the way. the third was unexpected, a pleasant surprise that came to my life.
however, eeringly, all 3 had something common when i came in. all 3 had their greatest love as an ex-flame when i came in. i was the next guy to come in after a long and emotionally draining experience they had with those other guys.
so naturally, i had to contend with high expectations, not to mention their guarded trust towards men as a whole. but most of all, i had to contend with the question whether i will be enough for them to completely let go of their ex-flames.
the answer has been a resounding NO to the first 2 women. hopefully the last one would be different.
yet the whole experience hasn't left me scarred. maybe its because i was in the situation they were in from the time of the 2nd woman.
you see, part of my growth emotionally is the acceptance of when enough is enough. sure, i will acknowledge that a big part of me getting over the first woman is the presence of the second. not suprisingly, a big part of getting over the second was the presence of the third.
however, the main reason why i can move on is that i am giving myself a chance to move on. i learned how to accept that maybe, who i am and what i can offer may never be enough for any of the first 2 women. that maybe, i am not the answer to what they wanted/what they needed. i just need to be where i can be the answer to another.
so is it fair? that being in the presence of another will heal my own heartaches? maybe, maybe not.
however, i do know that if i am with a new woman, i will not let myself be taken back and be enamoured to the previous woman. i am with someone new, i wouldn't jeopardize it for anything.
i am with someone new! she is, as i said, a welcomed surprise in my life. we may or may not end up together, but the mindset that allows me to block off my past and focus on the present will be the same mindset that will allow me to explore what we can be to one another.
i am happy right now. the heartaches of my past will only fuel me to look into my future with vigor. because i had my heart broken, twice. i will not stop until my heart knows that it has found someone that would complete the only thing missing in my life.
yes, maybe i have found her... and i do hope she also found me.
and it took one serious relationship to start the transition. since then, i long for going into something that could lead me to... well, maybe forever.
since early 2004, i got myself involved emotionally with 3 women. the first one became the first girlfriend i had whom i entertained thoughts of marriage. the second one first became a good friend until feelings got in the way. the third was unexpected, a pleasant surprise that came to my life.
however, eeringly, all 3 had something common when i came in. all 3 had their greatest love as an ex-flame when i came in. i was the next guy to come in after a long and emotionally draining experience they had with those other guys.
so naturally, i had to contend with high expectations, not to mention their guarded trust towards men as a whole. but most of all, i had to contend with the question whether i will be enough for them to completely let go of their ex-flames.
the answer has been a resounding NO to the first 2 women. hopefully the last one would be different.
yet the whole experience hasn't left me scarred. maybe its because i was in the situation they were in from the time of the 2nd woman.
you see, part of my growth emotionally is the acceptance of when enough is enough. sure, i will acknowledge that a big part of me getting over the first woman is the presence of the second. not suprisingly, a big part of getting over the second was the presence of the third.
however, the main reason why i can move on is that i am giving myself a chance to move on. i learned how to accept that maybe, who i am and what i can offer may never be enough for any of the first 2 women. that maybe, i am not the answer to what they wanted/what they needed. i just need to be where i can be the answer to another.
so is it fair? that being in the presence of another will heal my own heartaches? maybe, maybe not.
however, i do know that if i am with a new woman, i will not let myself be taken back and be enamoured to the previous woman. i am with someone new, i wouldn't jeopardize it for anything.
i am with someone new! she is, as i said, a welcomed surprise in my life. we may or may not end up together, but the mindset that allows me to block off my past and focus on the present will be the same mindset that will allow me to explore what we can be to one another.
i am happy right now. the heartaches of my past will only fuel me to look into my future with vigor. because i had my heart broken, twice. i will not stop until my heart knows that it has found someone that would complete the only thing missing in my life.
yes, maybe i have found her... and i do hope she also found me.
posted by jones at 12:58 AM
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