an auspicious start to the new year

late last year, i wrote about the progression of a relationship i had with someone. i wrote then "i have always said that we could only go 2 ways from where we are now: we could either lead separate lives or we could get married, i'd like to see both of us choosing the latter."

yet before the year ended, the decision was the first one, that we lead separate lives.

and the first few days of the year was witness to some events that made that decision a certainty. there was no turning back now. the events that happened was the axe that dropped on the thin line that held all lies and deception we both were guilty of.

so, yes, it was more of a relief for me. a talk with another friend a few days before we parted ways was the slap on the face that woke me up on what i was denying acknowledgment from. an acknowledgment that i was living a lie.

but acknowledging the lie and owning up to it also set forth the reality that i also ended up any hopes that we can still be atleast friends after. while i have learned to forgive her, that might be something she may not be willing to do for me.

so i accepted what befell me and continue on with my year, my life.

then just several weeks after, another incident turned my life upside down. this time it had something to do with a very dear friend of mine.

it was impulsiveness and recklessness that did me in this time. i let personal issues i had with someone be confused with my relationship with my friend. it was impulsive because i reacted to an incident just several days back and wanted some sort of payback. it was reckless because i made the mistake of opening my big mouth and mention it to another friend.

i didn't really intend to get some sort of payback. those who know me know that. it was really an impulsive thought that i never really have the guts to act on.

but it didn't matter as that mere thought is a betrayal of the trust that she has given me.

so all i am hoping now is that i be given forgiveness for that betrayal of trust. but i also do know that forgiveness is a process that may take a while to be fully given.

i also do know and understand that this betrayal of trust may mean that we can never be as good of friends as we were before. and for that reason, i am terribly saddened and forever regretful of what i thought of.

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ain't it quite distressing that there are 2 significant people in my life that i have managed to alienate just within the first month of the year. While i can probably justify that what happened with the first one is something i would benefit from, i couldn't actually say the same to the other one.

i definitely would be kicking and blaming myself if my very dear friend would not take me back. i would be doing so because i deserve it.

what a real auspicious way to start the year!