last man standing

when bong got married last december 18, that left only 3 of us from our barkada that are still single. among the 3, we all knew darwin will get married this year leaving cecilio and myself as the only bachelors left from the group when this year ends.

as it is, there is an ongoing joke among us barkada that it would be cecilio who would be the last man to get married, even though he is already with his current girl for 7 years now. the reason, as the joke goes, is that he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend!

that seemed to be true until this last weekend when i was in a night out with cecilio and another bud of mine, albert. it was on this drinking session at fat johnny's in timog that he dropped the bomb on us: he is getting married this year and he plans on making it a simple one.

that leaves me, as the only one who will be single, when year 2008 ends. the last man standing!

i shouldn't be surprised though, because almost all of my barkada seems to think that i would be the last man to stand on the altar (no matter the joke pointed to cecilio and his ex-girlfriend). they are even quite happy to think about speeches each and everyone of them will make on my own wedding day. for them, it would be one of the best days they could share with me!

they all knew i was the only one who was after the non-committal thing with those girls i dated when all of them are either married or are with girlfriends who they are serious with. they all knew about the only girl i was engaged with (so far) and how it happened that when it ended, i decided the best way to get over with it is to play the field again.

they all knew that i was picky, that there is this distinct possibility that when the only time i wanted to get married may be the only time i would risk opening myself again to a girl.

they all knew and wanted that i find that one girl again who would brake down my walls and allow myself to risk everything again.

much as i should be happy that cecilio has made peace with himself, somehow got the courage to risk everything with his current girlfriend and the chance to take it to the next level, i was also sad that at the end of the day, all my friends are right: i am picky, and at the end of the day, i will always have this wall around me that somehow protects me from the possibility of getting hurt again.

this wall though is preventing me from risking everything for a chance of ever-after. it limits me from exploring possibilities with the girls i go out with. it makes me afraid to be hurt again.

but i know, on my own, that a big part of my problem today is not so much with the girls i am going out with. it has as much to do with the fact that i am still holding on to something that was not there for me in the first place.

i am holding on to a hope that will never materialize, a dream that will never come true, a love that can never be.

for as much as i feel, in my heart, that this would be the one that could break the wall, the feeling that would negate all the fears of getting hurt, the one thing that would make me want to risk everything for happiness,... its not for me.

and as long as i hold it and don't let go, it would be the bigger hindrance for my search for true happiness.

i will be the last man standing. but still, i need to let go.