words and writings... fruits of inspiration

FRIENDS (the TV series) and thoughts this Christmas season

2008-12-26T23:51:00.000+08:00

its early morning of the 27th, 2 days after Christmas, when i just finished watching a particular episode of FRIENDS and i was outside of the house smoking. i was still smiling recalling the episode i just watched (season 4 episode 11) when somehow i got to relate to everything about that show.

like rachel, monica, phoebe, joey, chandler, and ross, i was a part of a circle of friends. like them, i cherished being friends with these people.... my friends at work!

i remember around 2+ years ago when erick and i talked about the recent night-outs with friends from work that usually happened when some (or sometimes all) of us are still in shifts. we were both a bit concerned during that time that word might come out that we are going out for several beers even while on shift and it could bring trouble to us. we agreed that we should only go out with people we can trust so that this kind of things would remain as it is.... a secret between friends.

then erick had this idea: why not agree on who are these people we can trust. and its not
really as simple as that... we had to both agree 100% that we can trust such a person. if one of us couldn't trust one person 100%, we just wouldn't invite them when we decide to go out when we are on shift.

that basically did it and after that discussion, we had a group of people we both agreed we could trust. thus became the group which frequented bonfire even during working hours.

throughout the years, that group has become bigger and soon enough, gathering for a round of beers while on work hours became seeing movies together, going to yearly summer outings, celebrating each and everyone's birthdays, and even doing separate gatherings in each other's homes.

ok, so some others has since left the company for better career opportunities. someone else is actually due to leave in a couple of days. but the fact remains is that if there is an opportunity to get together again, these same people will also be invited. the way i see it, being friends is not limited to being together in one company. being friends is not contained in any boundaries.

so during this Christmas season, i realized how thankful i was being part with such a group of friends. sure we may have issues with one another sometimes, or some we may not be able to see every single working day, or even sometimes, some may not be able to join us on gatherings because they might have plans with their other (or new) friends. but as everyone is reflective and thankful for all their blessings, i am with my own.

i am thankful to have such friends! thank you guys! Merry Christmas and let's all drink to our
friendship (not now ofcourse, when we are all together on the 30th) !

basketball diaries (part 4, championship game against state)

2008-06-12T21:26:00.000+08:00

1 june, championship game against state, our most hated rivals.

just a bit of history: both the state team and our team belong to the same phase (4) in our village. their's has always been a basketball hotbed, continuously turning up good basketball players. they live and breathe basketball is what others always say. while on our end, we produce good players also, but in trickles as compared to them.

it was a rivalry that spanned 2 decades already (maybe more). we just hated each other. but the problem is they always got our number. they were virtually unbeatable but every game with us is close and although we would sometimes beat them, they would eventually win the tournament we were both in, either with us or other teams as their championship victim.

its a rivalry that reminds us of ateneo - lasalle, crispa - toyota, duke - unc, or lakers - celtics.

during the eliminations, their team was the only one who beat us with them missing 2 players from their starting line-up. we lost by a measly 3 points. however, we beat the only team that beat them. three teams were tied at the end of the elims (us, them, and the other team), we got the number 1 seed while they got the 3rd seed. they got their revenge on their elimination's tormentor while we beat the in-tech team of phase 6. we are due to meet on the finals... again.

the game started with them parading their very best 5 players. we countered with our usual starting 5. they one the jumpball and immediately scored on us. 2-0.

on our initial possession, they showed us what they are also noted for, their vaunted pressure, ball-hawking, extended zone defense. we swung the ball from side to side until it found its way on the left base line corner, to me. i had a bit of an oppening and shot a jumper,... swish! 2 all!

there was a few more scoring exchanges until we tightened up our defense. we had a bit of lead but then our starting center got his second foul and had to be substituted. i assumed the center position for defense and sacrificed my body defending every drive to the basket they were intent on pursuing.

we held on to the lead until our leading scorer erupted with 3 straight 3 pointers, each one one step longer than the previous. by the middle of the 2nd quarter we were leading by 10 points.

then came the turning point, the state team got a whole lot physical. there was a whole lot of elbows flailing, pushes on the lower back while jockeying for positions inside, discreet shoving and holdings. the sad part is that the referees are allowing all these.

i picked up my 2nd foul on a phantom call by one of the referees but i signalled my coach that i'll be ok. i don't want to be replaced yet and i knew i could still hold my own on defense without fouling.

they crept a bit on our lead (down to 6) until on one of their offensive possessions, i anticipated a spin move of their center and held my ground. after his spin move, he hit me on the face with his forearm, the whistle blew and i was anticipating a charging call. alas, it was a blocking call and im down to my 3rd foul! my coach was stomping his foot in the sidelines in frustration but we couldn't do anything. he called for a time-out and he replaced me with one of my teammates so that i could not pick another foul, imagined or not.

it was just around 3 minutes before halftime and i was on the bench, with our starting center, and we were both helpless watching our substitutes being abused inside by the big, bad state team. our lead was done to a single basket before halftime until our leading scorer scored on a pull-up jumper just before the buzzer to stretch our lead to 4.

during the 2nd half, my coach told me im sitting it out further to conserve my fouls. our center was back in but just a couple of minutes in, he picked up his 3rd foul and had to be replaced again.

the physicality of the state team was even more evident, no doubt getting bolder as the referees are letting it go. it came to a point when their top guy (the eventual mvp) drove to the basket planted an elbow flush to the nose of our power forward who was contesting his layup attempt. the shot went in and a foul was called on our teammate! he got elbowed, his nose bloodied, and he was called for the foul!

that set off our coach. he was cursing on the sidelines and threathening to walk-out of the game. i calmed him a bit and convinced him to just substitute me in for our power forward. afterwards, we lost our composure and our opponents razed our halftime lead and was up by 5. we called time-out.

our coach was still cursing, asking the team to just walk-out of the game. the referee heard him and called the attention of the committee. the committee called an official's time-out and talked to both coaches. we still could hear our coach screaming and cursing until he just stormed right out of the gym, leaving us players still on the bench.

we were in shock but we didn't follow him out. the committee approached us and prevailed upon us to continue the game still. they said that getting hurt is part of basketball but i countered by saying if the games get too physical, it should be up to the referees to control it, lest it gets out of hand (which coincidentally is already happening). the committee promised to talk to the referees about it just so we could continue the game.

we were caught in a quandary though. our coach (who is also our manager) already walked out and it would be a great disrespect to him if we continued to play. however, all of us wanted to finish this game. we all knew we could still win this game.

we told the committee to give us a few more minutes to talk to our coach who is already out of the gym and on his car (waiting for us). we talked to him but he was still furious and wanted us not to play anymore. when we pushed further, he shouted: "kung gusto nyo maglaro at masaktan pa ulit, bahala na kayo!" with that, he slammed the car door on us and drove off.

we then knew what to do. we couldn't play anymore even though we wanted to. our coach has done a whole lot for us and for our community and it would be greatly disrespectful of us if we still insisted on playing. after all, he was just concerned for our safety.

we talked as a team again and agreed just to go back to the gym, forfeit the game officially, and shake the hands of our opponents.

as we walked back to the gym, there was a lot of murmur and anticipation on what will happen next. the committee met us at center court and we told them of our decision. they respected our decision. we then turned around and went to the bench of our most hated rivals and shook their hands, congratulating them. they too was sad that the game had to end like this. after all, who would want to win a championship game via forfeiture?

the committee prevailed upon us to stay for the awarding ceremonies for us to get our 1st runner-up trophy. we didn't want to but as a sign of respect, we did. the committee didn't announce us as the 1st runner-up and instead just gave us the trophy after the ceremonies.

as we went back to our cars outside the gym holding the hollow trophy, we were approached by a whole lot of people who sympatised with us. they also knew we could still beat the state team. we acknowledged them but just went on our way back to our area.

each one of us then went to the house of our coach. we all shook his hand and hugged him. it was the ultimate sign of respect for the team to forego a chance to win a championship just to take the side of our coach.

we lost the championship ugly, via forfeiture. but we gained the respect not only of the other basketball afficionados who watched the game, not only by the state team who acknowledged that theirs was a hollow victory, but moreso by the coach who was much more than that to everyone of us.

we lost, but in everyone's eyes, we were champions!

basketball diaries (part 3, semis game against in-tech)

2008-06-05T20:15:00.000+08:00

31 may, semifinals, we are matched up against the number 4 team, in-tech, whom we already beat once during the eliminations:

the atmosphere is electric. the in-tech team from phase 6 has always had a big following but this time around word leaked out that almost all of the basketball loving people from that area will be watching the game and will be cheering their team. we countered with a rather sizeable crowd behind us also, mostly the basketball-playing guys from our area.

the game started with one noticeable guy being part of our opponent's starting line-up. this guy was not on the line-up when we beat this team during the eliminations. we immediately thought this was one guy that might be their surprise package!

on their first possession, it was made clear... he asked for the ball and immediately drove to the heart of our defense. its a good thing our defense has made strides in improvement during the tournament and we were able to not let him score. several more successive times during the 1st quarter, he demanded the ball and tried to make his move. we stopped him from scoring until one putback from an offensive rebound saw him score his first points.

that got him on his groove and he would continue on to score more until the first half ended. we were leading but not by much.

during halftime, a teammate told me he now recalled who this surprise package is. he was a player for the inter-barangay in Cainta. although several years removed from being such, he is still productive as a player and has the basketball acumen of a player who has been through wars.

the 3rd quarter started and we started to make our moves. our leading scorer (and shooting guard) and our point-guard started their lethal fast breaks while our power forwards was ascerting himself inside. by the middle of the 4th quarter, we are leading by 15 and we are all jumping and cheering each other.

but the inevitable came and the surprise package started a run with a 3-point play opportunity that eventually razed our once mighty lead down to 1 with about 2 mins left. we let our guard down and was celebrating early that our opponents are now breathing down our necks.

the next possession was key as our opponent has currently an 8-0 run. then the defining moment for me in the tournament. as the defense loaded on one side where our leading scorer had the ball, he flung it back to our point guard in the middle, who immediately passed it to me in the left wing. with a bit of an opening, i dribbled once before shooting a jumper just beyond the foul-line. the opponent's center had to extend fully to try and block my shot and i had to release the ball a bit higher (my youngest brother, after the game, told me he saw me release the ball much like rasheed wallace's jumper) just to elude the block attempt.

it was a very long split-second as the ball traveled from my hands to the ring and when it swished through, the gym erupted in a roar as i, in a unexpected display of emotion, pumped my fist while running down back on defense.

that shot seemingly started the downfall of our opponent as their next possession was a hurried 3-point attempt (no doubt was meant to try and silence the crowd after the shot i made), several drives to the basket without setting up their offense first, and some silly fouls that led to free throws that we made when it mattered.

i had my fifth foul with less than 1 minute left and fouled-out. as i went to the bench, i was still upbeat as we knew then that this game was all over.

after the game, we were told by one of the committee members that a person from our opponent's team wanted to have a side bet on the game, pretty much sure that they will win it. we just smiled and said its a good thing they didn't go through with it as not only could they have lost the game, they would have lost money also! hahaha.

we are in the finals! our opponent is the defending champions. their team has been champions except for one time wherein a team that includes 3 NCAA players from san beda beat them on a close game even.

they are the champions and our most hated rivals... lots of history on the line!

basketball diaries (part 2, game against m-vic)

2008-06-05T18:10:00.000+08:00

24 may, 7th game, last game of the eliminations against 1 of 3 teams already eliminated:

our opponents only suited up 8 players. we only fielded in 6. perhaps there was indication that we are taking this team lightly as several of our key players opted to miss this game for some other things they had to do.

early on, we marched into a double-digit lead but complacency sets in as the halftime ends with us leading by only single digits.

we started to assert ourselves starting the 3rd quarter. after a 1st half that had me score just 4 points (on a follow-up tap and a long jumper), i started to crash the boards and as much as possible, score inside.

by the end of the game, we had a lead of double-digits (16) and i scored 16 points including 6 out of 6 from the free-throw line.

we talked about the upcoming semifinal games for the next weekend and we were told that we are going to be the number 1 seed coming in hence will be meeting the number 4 seed on the cross-over semifinals. i reminded the team that for the semifinal showdown, we should be focused and not go through stretches wherein we are just relaxing and letting our guard down. if our past 3 opponents were able to cut in into our lead and eventually take the upperhand (even for just one possession), it would be an even more challenging game next time around as the winner will be in the finals.

basketball diaries (part 1, game against WCF)

2008-06-05T14:00:00.000+08:00

18 May, 6th game, having secured a semifinal slot a game before, we were up against one of 3 teams who are already eliminated.

our team is playing loose while our opponent is playing seriously, a recipe for an upset. leading all the way up until the 4th quarter, our opponent goes on a run that cuts our lead from 9 down to 1 with only less than 2 minutes left in the game.

our opponent's zone defense is a bit open since one of their guards up-front has decided to take our leading scorer one-on-one. the ball goes to our power forward on the left wing, our center tries to cut inside but did not receive the pass. however, that left an opening behind him that i immediately got to. i received the pass from our power forward and drained a foul-line jumper. lead up to 3.

next possession, our opponent misses a shot and we rebounded. again, one of their guards up-front has left the zone defense to take on our leading scorer. the other guard up-front checks our point guard as he crosses the mid-court line. a few dribbles inside our half-court, he throws a pass to me on the left-wing outside the 3-point area. i saw an opening since both opponent guards are out of the zone defense and made 2 quick dribbles before launching another foul-line jumper with our opponents center trying to catch up with his over-extended arm. the ball travels through the air and swishes through the net. our fans erupted with cheers and we were up by 5.

our opponent calls a time-out but right after misses another shot. the rest of the game then was an exercise of fouling (them) and making foul-shots (us). we won!

afterwards, a couple of teammates acknowledged that i essentially won the game for the team. i just smiled and told them our journey is still not over.

getting creative with movies

2008-02-04T20:29:00.000+08:00

a lot of my friends are always on my back (good-natured ribbing) about the fact that i am not jumping into the getting-married bandwagon until now...

and somehow, they became more creative in terms relaying this point:

Fact 1 -- every girl I was involved with romantically after my failed engagement 3 years ago are all either married, engaged to be married, or has a child and about to get married. the eerie thing is that the guy they are going to marry is the next guy they got involved with after me.

What my friend Cocoy said -- watch the movie "good luck chuck" and i will like it.

Fact 2 -- by the end of this year, i will be the last man standing (i.e. only single guy in the barkada).

What my officemate said -- watch the movie "heartbreak kid" and i will find it appropriate.

.... and you know what, both movies hit home on some points...

just goes to show how concerned my friends are with something that i myself am not really concerned with.

... but i got a good laugh out of it though! hahaha!!!

last man standing

2008-01-14T20:19:00.000+08:00

when bong got married last december 18, that left only 3 of us from our barkada that are still single. among the 3, we all knew darwin will get married this year leaving cecilio and myself as the only bachelors left from the group when this year ends.

as it is, there is an ongoing joke among us barkada that it would be cecilio who would be the last man to get married, even though he is already with his current girl for 7 years now. the reason, as the joke goes, is that he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend!

that seemed to be true until this last weekend when i was in a night out with cecilio and another bud of mine, albert. it was on this drinking session at fat johnny's in timog that he dropped the bomb on us: he is getting married this year and he plans on making it a simple one.

that leaves me, as the only one who will be single, when year 2008 ends. the last man standing!

i shouldn't be surprised though, because almost all of my barkada seems to think that i would be the last man to stand on the altar (no matter the joke pointed to cecilio and his ex-girlfriend). they are even quite happy to think about speeches each and everyone of them will make on my own wedding day. for them, it would be one of the best days they could share with me!

they all knew i was the only one who was after the non-committal thing with those girls i dated when all of them are either married or are with girlfriends who they are serious with. they all knew about the only girl i was engaged with (so far) and how it happened that when it ended, i decided the best way to get over with it is to play the field again.

they all knew that i was picky, that there is this distinct possibility that when the only time i wanted to get married may be the only time i would risk opening myself again to a girl.

they all knew and wanted that i find that one girl again who would brake down my walls and allow myself to risk everything again.

much as i should be happy that cecilio has made peace with himself, somehow got the courage to risk everything with his current girlfriend and the chance to take it to the next level, i was also sad that at the end of the day, all my friends are right: i am picky, and at the end of the day, i will always have this wall around me that somehow protects me from the possibility of getting hurt again.

this wall though is preventing me from risking everything for a chance of ever-after. it limits me from exploring possibilities with the girls i go out with. it makes me afraid to be hurt again.

but i know, on my own, that a big part of my problem today is not so much with the girls i am going out with. it has as much to do with the fact that i am still holding on to something that was not there for me in the first place.

i am holding on to a hope that will never materialize, a dream that will never come true, a love that can never be.

for as much as i feel, in my heart, that this would be the one that could break the wall, the feeling that would negate all the fears of getting hurt, the one thing that would make me want to risk everything for happiness,... its not for me.

and as long as i hold it and don't let go, it would be the bigger hindrance for my search for true happiness.

i will be the last man standing. but still, i need to let go.

the 26K girl and the maid-of-honor

2008-01-03T20:50:00.000+08:00

when one of my best buds, bong, got married last december 18, i can't help but smile reminicsing the events that happened on that day itself and on the bachelor's party 3 days before that.

december 15 was the day we had the bachelor's party. it was nothing out-of-the-ordinary. it was just a night out on a bar in ortigas followed by several more hours on a strip joint (guy stuff, everybody understands that right??!).

while on the bar, amidst a rather small saturday night crowd, bong and i together with 2 of our other best buds and bong's nephew drank beer and danced to the music of the in-house band. however, in that small crowd, we chanced upon a group of girls having a good time of their own. before everybody else knew it, i was acting my best man duties ahead of the wedding itself by being bong's wing man in meeting these girls.

while bong fixed his attention to this one girl, i cozied myself up with one other girl who caught my eye as she was really tall and sexy. when i was next to her, i saw in-close that she was also good-looking. not the drop-dead gorgeous type but she had this eyes that i liked (read: chinita) and nice cheek bones that accentuated her smile. but boy was she really hot in that low-cut jeans she was wearing!

it turns out that it was her birthday that night and she was celebrating it with her friends. we had a good time chatting and dancing until i was reminded that we had to go the next place we planned on going to for bong to fully experience his bachelor's party. i said my goodbyes and just on impulse asked her if she wants to be my date on the upcoming wedding i had to attend. i was partly surprised when she said yes and told me to just be in touch about the place and time.

the day before the wedding, i talked to this girl again and somehow got hold of the fact that she was actually coming from abs-cbn during that time. when i probed further, she told me she was one of the 26K girls of the game show "deal or no deal"! man, i am going to the wedding of one of my best buds with a 26K girl!

but the next day, there was a glitch and she wanted me instead to pick her up at her place to go to bong's wedding. as i myself was running a bit late, i had to politely tell her i may not be able to do so and perhaps we could just meet up in the next coming days.

my sadness in not being with the 26K girl on the wedding was however eased out when i met the maid-of-honor. she was lia's (bong's wife) best friend from high school. if i was attracted to the 26K girl because of her body, i was attracted to the maid-of-honor because she was easily the most beautiful girl on that wedding (mind you there was also a girl who looked like ehra madrigal and another who was also a model-type). we surprisingly hit it off immediately and we were chatting up all throughout the ceremony. she held on to my arm while walking out of the church and exchanged smiles and laughs while throwing rose petals on bong and lia outside the church. she even asked if i wanted a ride with her to the reception (which i had to decline as i was waiting for another barkada who is arriving late).

in the reception, we chatted again until the formalities started. she was actually one of the hosts for the wedding reception program. it was on one of the formalities of a wedding reception that became the highlight of my day with the maid-of-honor.

i was up there in the podium (with her behind me) when i made the best man's toast and modesty aside, it was one of the most well received speeches i ever made. in fact, a lot of people (lia, bong's mom, bong's sis, and the old lady who was sitting with us on our table) took me aside and told me how touching my speech was.

and ofcourse, one of those people who was touched was the maid-of-honor. when i got down the podium to toast with bong and lia, she even made a toast with me first. with smiles on both our faces, we toasted with our own wine glasses before i finally reached bong and lia's table.

when the reception ended, i had one last talk with her. she again commented on how sweet and touching my speech was. we exchanged mobile numbers afterwards.

when i was about to say my goodbyes to bong and lia, lia casually reminded me that the maid-of-honor herself is getting married middle of 2008 (as if on-queue so that i won't get any ideas of being "friendly" with her).

but guess what, i was not bummed about it. i knew beforehand that she was already engaged to be married but still, we had a good time together!

and besides, i still have that date with the 26K girl ahead of me! hahaha!!

lemon law

2007-08-16T02:10:00.000+08:00

one of my favorite new shows on tv is one from ETC titled "how i met your mother." it essentially is a story about a guy who, at the start of every episode, talks to his kids about his bachelor days and... how he met their mother! then the story shifts to the days when he is single and on the dating lifestyle he had.

there are other characters in the story, none funny than his bestfriend; a single doctor who is always chasing girls (you know him by the way as the person behind the hit sitcom from days back: doogie howser m.d.)!

this guy actually came up with something very funny. he termed it as the lemon law. the lemon law states: during the first 5 minutes of any date, you must decide whether you want to commit the rest of the night with a guy/girl. if you do not want to, then cut the date short; apply the lemon law!

quite funny really! just think how somebody would say to his/her date: i would have to apply the lemon law on you! sorry! hahaha!

its just sad that we can't apply this in our society here in manila. we filipinos are too much of a nice guy/girl. not that i would apply the lemon law myself when out on dates. i would have probably gone through with the date still and be every bit of a gentleman (i.e. be courteous, be funny, laugh with her, pay the bill, accompany her home). but if you think about it, the lemon law would save you (and most likely your date) time of just going through the motions.

so, i would like to amend the lemon law a bit. the lemon law can only be applied on select cases: blind dates or with someone who you just met a couple of minutes before or with someone who is outwardly rude.

at the end of the day, if going through on a date might not be of your best interest, you might still come away with a friend in him/her. if he/she persists after that date? then tell him/her the lemon law!

happiness

2007-06-04T23:44:00.000+08:00

"i want you to be happy." simple words that somehow has become cliche as it is being said by almost everybody... but who among these "everybody" mean every word of it?

i mentioned this to someone special before. i meant it. after all she has gone through, she deserves to be happy. but deep inside, there hid a plea: let me be the one to make you happy. circumstance however prevented me from even hinting it. not willing to tempt fate and risk ruining what was a simple but comfortable set up between us, i held back.

but fate may have other designs... it may be great for someone but cruel to others. fate brought forth a question that begs an answer from me: do i really meant it when i said i want her to be happy?

fate brought her someone that fit like a glove to a hand. someone who made her heart flutter. someone who has brought that smile back on her face.

she likes him. if you could just see that look in her eyes or hear the excitement on her voice while she tells stories about him, you knew it was the real thing.

she likes him very, very much.

yet one part of me was thankful for this turn of events. i could just remember the first time we talked about him. it marked the first time (in a long, long while) that we had an extended conversation again. it came after a long period of feeling out, a period that was preceeded by an unfortunate misunderstanding between us. during this time, we are just going through the motions when we (or with other friends) are together.

but then he came and somehow we became close again. we could talk and confer to each other again. we became friends again.

but the other part of me was being questioned about the veracity of what i said about wanting her to be happy. do i really want her to be happy even if it means that happiness is being given by someone else?

the answer, with a bit of pinch in my heart, is yes, i am happy for her.

makes me remember something from the movie hitch:

"you know what it feels like? feeling helpless, that the love of your life is waking up with somebody else? but at the same time, wishing her happiness, even though its not going to be with you??"

i am happy for her. maybe, i can find solace in the fact that the person i wished and prayed happiness for has really found that one person who could make her happy.

one man's misery is another's lesson

2007-05-03T00:35:00.000+08:00

the text message read: jon, nasa bahay ka ba? punta ako sandali, wala akong makausap eh..

that was from a good friend of mine from our place. just 3 days before, he was calling me on my mobile late at night. he was at his girlfriend's house in batangas. he had to go there as his girlfriend wanted to have some "space" citing time needed to think things over.

he went over there, from cainta, much like a child running after some other kid stealing his toy. in reality, it is really something like that.

his girlfriend of 4+ years has met someone else. someone from her office. someone whom she met for only about a month. someone who was apparently has a more detailed and concrete plan for them much unlike what my friend is actually showing/doing.

here he is now, my friend that is... he slumps on our sofa. i knew what was coming... i can see it in his eyes now....

he starts: pre, wala na kami. nag-usap kami ngayon, she said she already made a decision. she is choosing the other guy.... ngayon pa talaga sya nag decide... its our 4th year and 7th month today.

i can feel his sadness. he is near tears, perhaps just holding it back for me not to see it.

he tries to be strong. he has always wanted to appear strong when with me. i can actually hear him think: i don't want for jonas to see me weak like this. he might just say something that may not mean much too me... something like... di bale pre, madami pa dyan!

he has afterall, taken into leading the life i was living. i saw this as early as his high school days. he was the youngest among us friends in the area. he always liked my stories about college and the course i am taking. when i graduated and had a job immediately, he was impressed. so he took the same course as i did.

while working i told him about my night outs, the bars i frequent, the girls i met. he was excited at all the stories. at one point, he even joined me and saw for himself the "fun" lifestyle i had.

he then told me, sana i can pass the board exam so that i can get a good job like yours, earn enough money, then live the life you are living now!

now, in his current predicament, i told him something he might have already knew about me but yet refuse to believe.

i told him: pre, tanggalin mo na kasi sa isip mo that the dating lifestyle i am living is something that you can be envious of. inspite of all of the things you knew about me or all the girls i dated, ipagpapalit ko lahat yun to have what you have with your girlfriend. at the end of the day, all i want is to have somebody i can go home to and talk to about the day i had. what i want is somebody whom i can say i love you to and have her say it to me before we go to sleep.

he listened to every word i said. he took a deep breath and somehow he understood.

then i told him: the only question you need to ask is whether you really love your girlfriend and you would want to fight for her. if the answer is yes, then fight for her.

it is then that i understood those words myself... if you really love her, fight for her.

shit! im turning 32 by next month

2007-04-27T00:22:00.001+08:00

shit, im turning 32 by next month...

high school; just hanging around in the house of a barkada...

allan: palagay ko si jay unang mag-aasawa sa atin.
jay: hindi naman, baka si jonas...
me: hahaha. hindi no!
jay: basta ako siguro mga around 25
allan: ...ako siguro ganun din..
abet: ewan lang natin, ako di ko masasabi talaga..
me: pero ako siguro late, mga 30.

a year after college; a college bud and i were sitting inside a church attending the wedding of another good friend of ours...

dondon: pare siguro next year kami naman ni bong yun nandito at pinapanood ka namin sa kasal mo.
me: hindi siguro... baka ikaw yung ikakasal next year at kami ni bong yung nanood!

june 2004; lying in bed with my then girlfriend...

then girlfriend: ...eto ba yung taong pakakasalan ko?
me: ...you mean?
then girlfriend: yes!

october 2004; in an apartment ...

the_girl: siguro you are just missing your ex-girlfriend..
me: but i really do like you!
the_girl: *looks me in the eye, pauses...*
me: i do! di ko rin expected na umabot sa ganito...
the_girl: ewan ko lang...

mid 2005; at a bar in ortigas...

girl1: you have a girlfriend?
me: no i don't have one...
girl1: really? i don't believe you!! you are so likeable naman!
me: *smiles*
girl1: so....

two weeks later; on a phone conversation...

girl1: ..bakit ganito nangyayari?! we ended up good last friday naman ah!
me: *keeps quiet*
girl1: ...saka i thought this conversation would patch things up between us..
me: maybe inspite of what you did last friday that i didn't like, it is more than that. maybe its me, im just built this way... guarded, afraid of getting hurt again.

july 2005; on a ym chat...

girl2: just forget about it
girl2: i was just being pushy....
girl2: but i can take a hint naman eh
girl2: ive asked more than three times already
girl2: but u always had to slap my face with a major NO
girl2: just forget it ok
girl2: good luck with the_girl
girl2: hope u guys work out
girl2: bye

march 2006; while smoking outside a mall...

sister of girl3: kuya, ang kwento sa amin eh naging kayo daw eh.
me: hindi. kung naging kami bakit ko naman ide-deny.
sister of girl3: eh bakit nga ganun kwento?
me: ewan ko!!
girl3: eto naman o! aminin mo na!
me: eh hindi naman talaga eh.
girl3: *stares at me*

december 2006; exchanges of text messages...

me: ... we have been fighting a lot lately... maybe we need to look at where we are and where we could be... kung nahihiya ka lang because of all the things i did for you and your family, don't be, ginusto ko naman yun eh... i think we should just be honest about it...
girl3: alam mo, maybe its about time we end this...

february 2007; at a bar...

girl4: alam ko siguro babaero ka!... or madulas lang dila mo!
me: oo, i like girls, pero di naman ako nagbibigay ng salita na i don't mean...
girl4: so ano 'tong sa atin?

april 2007: at a barkada gathering at a bar in makati...

abet: ..kaw jonas, kamusta na?
me: ok lang... ganun pa rin...
jay: sya pa rin! hahaha!
abet: sino?
me: wala!
darwin: ...di nga pre, any plans?
me: when the time comes...
abet: or when the girl comes...
jay: o baka nandyan na...
me: nasan? yung nasa kabilang table?
all: *laughs*

last friday; at a coffee house in ortigas...

girl5: why are you still single?
me: i don't know.
girl5: are you ok dating someone as young as i am?
me: are you ok dating someone as old as i am?
girl5: ok lang. we are enjoying each other's company naman diba?
me: yes we are...

yesterday; at the office canteen...

officemate: me ka-date ka na naman!
me: oo nga eh... pero enjoy naman sya kasama eh...
officemate: sus...pinipilit mo lang sarili mo eh!
me: ha?? hehehe. siguro. partly...

shit! im turning 32 by next month... better get my act straight!

an auspicious start to the new year

2007-02-28T03:57:00.000+08:00

late last year, i wrote about the progression of a relationship i had with someone. i wrote then "i have always said that we could only go 2 ways from where we are now: we could either lead separate lives or we could get married, i'd like to see both of us choosing the latter."

yet before the year ended, the decision was the first one, that we lead separate lives.

and the first few days of the year was witness to some events that made that decision a certainty. there was no turning back now. the events that happened was the axe that dropped on the thin line that held all lies and deception we both were guilty of.

so, yes, it was more of a relief for me. a talk with another friend a few days before we parted ways was the slap on the face that woke me up on what i was denying acknowledgment from. an acknowledgment that i was living a lie.

but acknowledging the lie and owning up to it also set forth the reality that i also ended up any hopes that we can still be atleast friends after. while i have learned to forgive her, that might be something she may not be willing to do for me.

so i accepted what befell me and continue on with my year, my life.

then just several weeks after, another incident turned my life upside down. this time it had something to do with a very dear friend of mine.

it was impulsiveness and recklessness that did me in this time. i let personal issues i had with someone be confused with my relationship with my friend. it was impulsive because i reacted to an incident just several days back and wanted some sort of payback. it was reckless because i made the mistake of opening my big mouth and mention it to another friend.

i didn't really intend to get some sort of payback. those who know me know that. it was really an impulsive thought that i never really have the guts to act on.

but it didn't matter as that mere thought is a betrayal of the trust that she has given me.

so all i am hoping now is that i be given forgiveness for that betrayal of trust. but i also do know that forgiveness is a process that may take a while to be fully given.

i also do know and understand that this betrayal of trust may mean that we can never be as good of friends as we were before. and for that reason, i am terribly saddened and forever regretful of what i thought of.

------

ain't it quite distressing that there are 2 significant people in my life that i have managed to alienate just within the first month of the year. While i can probably justify that what happened with the first one is something i would benefit from, i couldn't actually say the same to the other one.

i definitely would be kicking and blaming myself if my very dear friend would not take me back. i would be doing so because i deserve it.

what a real auspicious way to start the year!

unchartered waters

2006-11-21T13:58:00.000+08:00

when thinking of going into unchartered waters, the most logical thing to do is to look into how the people before you made it through and try not to make the same mistakes that resulted into pains and/or failure.

that is how a normal, sensible person would do it.

if the unchartered waters translates to marriage and the hope of happy ever after, then it all the more makes sense to follow that thought. you observe, you listen for advises, you err in the side of caution as a mistake could turn happiness for eternity into misery for a lifetime.

yet i want to take that journey into unchartered waters.

i know in my heart i want to do it. it was almost 2 years in the making (2 years being the amount of time after my failed relationship to the only person, before, who i offered intentions to marry). but i know the one person i want this to happen with is the one person that could also easily break my heart again.

and yet, the situations of those who went ahead of me through the unchartered waters of marriage are all screaming for me to slow down. friends whom i shared more than half my life with, treating each other like brothers.

they all caution me behind screams of muted protest. some with subtle words that remind me of how little i may know of the person i would want to entrust my future with. others with loud, in-your-face demonstrations of how their married life turned out to be due to the mistake they had initially,.. that they got married (probably) for the wrong reasons.

looking into their lives, i saw the struggles, the temptations, the blurred question of what is right or wrong, the indecisiveness to go for what is needed as against what is wanted.

i also saw them giving in. no, its not giving up, but that maybe is a reality that are facing them now. they are giving in to the mistakes they have done. giving in to finding what is missing and filling it up with something outside of marriage. they are giving in.

so in this situation i am in now, my friends are telling me to slow down but my heart say go on and face possible adversity with hope.

and hope is what led me to take into thinking about the journey to unchartered waters. hope that what she and i have been through, both individually and together, would help us make it through.

yet the most decisive factor is that i know in my heart, i want this to happen.

there has been a lot of side-stories, inuendos, discussions masked as humorous conversations about the issue of marriage that been a staple of our communications lately. this has lead me to believe that indeed, this might be due.

the only thing to do now is to talk to her about what i feel i want to do. she may not be as ready as i am but i believe that we can talk sensibly about it.

i have always said that we could only go 2 ways from where we are now: we could either lead separate lives or we could get married. i'd like to see both of us choosing the latter. and no amount of distressing experiences from those close to me would deter me from pursuing something i know, feels right.

the journey to unchartered waters may be eventful, difficult, and might be discouraging. those who went into this journey before me might have felt the sting of failure but that shouldn't deter me, or anyone else for that matter, to find our own ways through it.

with hope, courage, and the hand of someone you will have the journey with, this journey will bring no less joy than reaching the destination.

venting

2006-10-26T19:12:00.000+08:00

again, let me say this:

there is a difference between a girl flirting with a guy, and a guy who entertains a girl who flirts with him.

it is a huge difference. the first is receptive in nature, the other is interactive.

it all the more is significant when the guy in question is committed to someone else. should this be the case, the first instance is OK (per se), while the other is taboo (i know, im a guy so what i should be saying is this is just ok).

the first instance precludes wrongful actions done by the girl, the second instance indicates wrongful actions done by both.

so if someone is neither the guy or the girl in both scenarios (and certainly not the girl the guy is committed to), if that someone is a person outside-looking-in, someone who may have a vested interest in either the guy or the girl; then he/she should open his/her eyes as wide as possible, understand that this is happening, and then accept the fact that the boy and the girl on the second scenario are not worth all the attention.

he/she should say to himself/herself that "i deserve someone better" and move on.

if someone couldn't say that nor have the courage to follow the things needed to move on.... then maybe he/she is also like the guy or the girl in the second scenario... someone that is not worth all the attention.

one deceitful world

2006-10-10T03:04:00.000+08:00

let's face it, we live in a deceitful world. its a world that is full of lies, dishonesty, and connivance. everybody is bound to disappoint us, and it would hurt, especially if coming from those with whom we put our trust to.

i really don't get it. why do people have to lie to people that care for them? even more, why do they have to lie to people that they themselves care about?

i mean, what's the deal? these people are risking turning important people away. does all the lies, no matter how small or insignificant, worth the risk?

what are the reasons for doing so? fear of losing someone? fear of embarassment? fear of making a mistake and getting hurt again? fear of hurting someone?

but then again, is it all worth it? would a lie, even a white lie, make everything right?

it doesn't. it's also not worth it, even for all the reasons one can think of. a lie is a lie. its deceitful. and if you help someone with it, its connivance. you are bound to hurt someone, maybe even yourself.

----------

why does everyone afraid of facing the truth, accepting it, living with it? the truth, while it sometimes hurts, can also liberate us. why can't we risk pain for it?

nobody asked everyone else to tell them everything. all they asked and expected from the people that care for them or those who they care for, was just they be honest about things.

for some people, to care for someone is to accept that person for what she is, even her faults and limitations. sure enough, it might not come in easy but the true feeling of caring for someone offers compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. it may hurt now, but the honesty that came with it will start the healing process.

----------

we live in a deceiful world,... i did say that. i may be cynical about it but i have had more than enough experiences that would give credence to it all.

and yet, this deceitful world maybe is my own. for i am the biggest liar of all. i lie to myself, as much as others lie to me. and all those lies are softly taking the air out of me, killing me.

i talk about the truth but it is the one thing i shied myself from. i have been truthful to others but not to myself. i have been guilty of not risking pain and hurt for the truth.

so in this deceiful world, we point the fingers on everyone else. everybody is of equal guilt. but we must remember, before we can offer compassion, forgiveness and understanding for someone else, we should offer it to ourselves first. for we are the poor and afflicted; sickened with all the lies, deceit, and dishonesty,.. that of our own.

being selfish for a change

2006-09-14T19:16:00.000+08:00

today, i took the time to ponder on the decision i am about to make. i know i decided on this long ago but i can't help but see the possible repercussions. for this decision will not only affect me but possibly my whole family.

but i know at some point i would have to think about myself and what is best for me. at some point, one needs to be selfish for it may help everybody else in the long run.

so i have decided to quit my job. i will formalize everything tomorrow morning. and this decision comes with a heavy heart.

for i love my job. i love the work that my job entails. i love the responsibilities and how i was able to secure respect of the people i work with on a global scale.

my heart feels heavy because of the colleagues i will be leaving behind. i have fostered more friendships here than in my previous companies. i will miss the bond that were fostered not only through work but moreso on the activities outside of it.

this decision is hard because i am taking it with a leap of faith. because i don't have another job i could take immediately upon resigning this job. i know that i will have difficulties getting a job that would even equal what i am getting here right now, im learning that right now with all the current job interviews i am getting.

but this decision is never about the money. this decision was made for me to leave with my confidence intact. i have suffered more emotional distress here than anyone else could ever have.

i have to quit while i still believe in myself. i have to quit before the words that my boss are telling me could permanently affect my confidence. i have to quit because i know my skills and contributions could better suit another company where i will be appreciated more.

appreciation comes with more value to me than any amount of money. the lack of appreciation has caused me to go to work for the wrong reasons. much as i love my job, i hate coming to the office and risking hearing things from him that would lead me to second-guessing everything i am doing.

but then in the end, i really have to make this decision. he would not change for anybody else, he is the boss. yes, it should be up to us to adjust to his way of "managing" people.

however, if adjusting means i would have to accept all the insults, threats, questions on my skills then i'd really rather quit.

for i am a professional, i am not a soldier that would blindly follow each and every command he issues. and if his military-style management is what he would like to implement then i would just walk-away. even if it means doing so with a heavy heart.

i need to be selfish about this because i know nobody among my friends and my family would want to see me a fraction of the person they knew of me before. i need to be selfish because i don't want to look at the mirror and see myself that way also.

Friends... and the memories

2006-09-05T19:41:00.000+08:00

2 fridays ago, i got this text message that got me all sad. our usual friday hang-out, our favorite bar, Friends, has closed... permanently.

it was sad because friends has become synonymous to our barkada.

i remember us going to that place even when it was situated in the old St.Francis Square area. i remember how seemingly lost we were when Friends temporarily closed (for a month) in preparation for its transfer to a much bigger place in El Pueblo Ortigas. i remember how we were one of those invited during the grand re-opening in El Pueblo sometime december 2003.

for as long as i can remember, we are going to Friends as early as 2002.

it was sad because we have a lot of fond memories at Friends:

my best bud spearheading our group in meeting girls.

my then med student barkada saying we should foot the bill because he is still a student while we are all working, even when he is already saying he is a doctor to every girl we meet.

my friend, who was then fronting a band where another friend is a member, jamming to the house band kaktooz to the tune of daughter by pearl jam.

another friend who for 2 straight fridays got too drunk in the bar culminating in his roller-coaster walk towards the cr where he decided to sleep sitting on the toilet bowl (too funny to miss out).

another friend who had the guts to introduce himself to a girl who just woke up (drunk) and got shot down (this is a classic!).

another friend who was with his 2 girlfriends on the same table (i still don't know how he got away with it!).

one friend who was too friendly that the gay friend of the group of girls we were chatting with, thought he was into him.

one other friend who brought his officemate (their accountant) then us spilling out that he takes our receipt for the night and reimburses it as representation allowance.

another friend who was too happy to just be in such a place as against his and his officemates hang-out bar in libis (though he still maintains that the prices there are definitely cheaper).

then there are my own memories:

assuming the front man duties in meeting girls when my best bud went abroad to work.

learning and having the guts to dance with girls.

being known within Friends staff and waiters.

having a ready table for me and the group every friday.

meeting and getting to know erika, anne, angela, yanyan, gie, myra, april, sarah, jenny, jacqueline, mara, kitty, bea, cj, ash,and others whose names i can't recall now (i know, im typical..).

Friends has had a bad impression among those people who really haven't spent an extended period of time there. even some of the wives or girlfriends of the group frown on us when they hear we are going to that place.

however, what they didn't know is Friends as a bar lives up to the truest sense of the name. it is where friends meet, have drinks, listen and dance to the music, and basically enjoy the night!

Friends at el pueblo has closed. along with it was the atmosphere of pure enjoyment of time spent there. it will be greatly missed!

caring for someone

2006-08-26T00:30:00.000+08:00

if you care for someone, you would want what's best for them. if you care for someone, you will feel genuine concern for what she is doing especially if this would lead to them being hurt.

if you care for someone, you will feel responsible if you do not atleast talk to her about your concerns about her and what she is doing.

but what can you do, if that someone you care for doesn't seem to mind getting herself in the position that might cause her pain?

what can you do if that someone does what she does seemingly because she is happy doing it, without actually looking to the repercussions of her actions?

what can you do if that someone wouldn't really care for your concerns as long as she is happy doing what she is doing?

so i will do nothing... nothing but to wish and hope that whatever she is doing will eventually result into happiness for her, even if that seems bleak now.

nobody wants to be saved if she feels she doesn't need saving. so who are we to intrude?

hanging-out

2006-08-12T08:36:00.000+08:00

this was getting to be an all too familiar scenario...

again there were the four of us, hanging out in the bar area of our favorite friday night hang-out. we were half-sitting on high stools with our backs against the bar looking out into the stage area where a very cool and hip band was playing r&b and dance music.

but right in front of us are ladies, dancing to the tune of the band music, some even going as far as gyrating seductively. they were all there in the railing that separates the elevated bar area into the main sitting area and the stage.

as we are all just boys, we enjoyed the view... and the music of course (lest i forget to mention). and like the last time (2 weeks ago), one by one, my friends left the high stools and interacted until i was the only one left.

no, i didn't look like a lone pathetic thing out there. as the bar area was really packed, i was actually dancing a bit while exchanging smiles and bottle toasts to almost everybody around.

i was the only one though who didn't make any concerted effort to interact. i was just happy moving to the beat of the music with a bottle of san mig light on one hand and a cigarette on the other.

my friends sometimes would wisk me to meet their new and/or old friends: my doctor friend introduced me to this tall chic who was with 2 other attractive ladies; and my other friend ushered in a lady friend we knew just a month ago. i would wave and say hi, offer small talk, or sometimes give the usual beso-beso. but other than that, i was cool on my own.

then all of the sudden, a couple of ladies went from the railings and on their way to the loo. as the railing suddenly became open, my other friend went there to get a better view of the band and all of the other people dancing on the main area. i nudged my way next to him and we both scanned the area for other acquaintances.

then i saw somebody i haven't seen in about a year or so. this was a familiar scenario up until now .

she was with a couple of friends whom i also knew. but i knew her more, she knew me more.

i whispered to my friend who was with me in the railing and pointed to the lady i haven't seen in ages. as my friend asked about her and i answered, the memories came back.

once upon a time, we were also identified with one another. though not romantically committed, we used fridays as a day we could always meet on this same bar and enjoy the night dancing and drinking.

the reminiscing stopped as she raised her eyes towards the elevated bar area and saw me. she smiled and mouthed the word "hi". i just smiled back. they kept on dancing and we kept on drinking and moving to the music.

in between the stolen glances from her, my friend noticed and tried to push me into doing something about it. i just said "too much history." then after a while, i was back in my element; drinking and dancing to the music.

this has been an ongoing discovery on myself. i was actually in this bar to be with my friends and to unwind, nothing more. no more trying to get cozy with ladies, no more exchanging mobile phone numbers, and more importantly, no more going home with anybody except with all of us when we call it a day.

it even is a stretch remembering the last time i did all of those things. and while this may sound boring as compared to the activities my other friends are doing at the same time, im happy on how this turned out.

im hanging-out with my friends and enjoying the night!

losing and finding...

2006-08-08T00:58:00.000+08:00

the past 3 years saw a major transition in my personal life. from being the free-spirited, anything-goes, i-don't-care-what-happens-next attitude towards having relationships (read: pseudo-relationships) to actually going into one.

and it took one serious relationship to start the transition. since then, i long for going into something that could lead me to... well, maybe forever.

since early 2004, i got myself involved emotionally with 3 women. the first one became the first girlfriend i had whom i entertained thoughts of marriage. the second one first became a good friend until feelings got in the way. the third was unexpected, a pleasant surprise that came to my life.

however, eeringly, all 3 had something common when i came in. all 3 had their greatest love as an ex-flame when i came in. i was the next guy to come in after a long and emotionally draining experience they had with those other guys.

so naturally, i had to contend with high expectations, not to mention their guarded trust towards men as a whole. but most of all, i had to contend with the question whether i will be enough for them to completely let go of their ex-flames.

the answer has been a resounding NO to the first 2 women. hopefully the last one would be different.

yet the whole experience hasn't left me scarred. maybe its because i was in the situation they were in from the time of the 2nd woman.

you see, part of my growth emotionally is the acceptance of when enough is enough. sure, i will acknowledge that a big part of me getting over the first woman is the presence of the second. not suprisingly, a big part of getting over the second was the presence of the third.

however, the main reason why i can move on is that i am giving myself a chance to move on. i learned how to accept that maybe, who i am and what i can offer may never be enough for any of the first 2 women. that maybe, i am not the answer to what they wanted/what they needed. i just need to be where i can be the answer to another.

so is it fair? that being in the presence of another will heal my own heartaches? maybe, maybe not.

however, i do know that if i am with a new woman, i will not let myself be taken back and be enamoured to the previous woman. i am with someone new, i wouldn't jeopardize it for anything.

i am with someone new! she is, as i said, a welcomed surprise in my life. we may or may not end up together, but the mindset that allows me to block off my past and focus on the present will be the same mindset that will allow me to explore what we can be to one another.

i am happy right now. the heartaches of my past will only fuel me to look into my future with vigor. because i had my heart broken, twice. i will not stop until my heart knows that it has found someone that would complete the only thing missing in my life.

yes, maybe i have found her... and i do hope she also found me.

when the right thing feels so wrong

2006-06-28T01:52:00.000+08:00

having made the decision that should be what is right and what is needed, i struggle to find comfort and reason into what i was feeling...

if what i did is right, then why do i feel i made a very big mistake?

i miss being with her. i miss talking to her. i miss her laughs. i even miss her temperament.

i miss her a lot...

father's day

2006-06-22T10:19:00.000+08:00

last sunday was father's day and after we greeted the dads in our household (my dad and my younger brother), i was surprised with one of the best compliments i ever had in my life...

my mom said i, the older brother who is still single and still enjoying being a bachelor, was very much like a father also in the house because of the responsibilities i took on with the family without even being asked for it.

my mom and my youngest brother then greeted me "happy father's day (kuya) jon!"

it was heartwarming... a moment i will always treasure. father's day, after all, can also be for non-fathers like me.

missing someone

2006-04-24T18:52:00.002+08:00

one of my best friends recently told me that he has seen that look in my eye before... the one that he saw while i was still with my then fiancee.

he told me he hasn't seen that when i was involved with other girls between my then fiancee until now.

he said he sees my feelings rushing out and that my eyes were the dead-giveaway.
yet, i am deadpan about it. i did not think about it too much.

but now, 15 days since i last saw her, 11 days since i last talked to her, i got a significant eye-opener...

and it took a simple look at her new pictures for me to feel it, here in my heart.

i miss her. i miss her a lot. i miss her so much it hurts...

of flirting

2006-02-14T13:42:00.000+08:00

my male officemate said it of me when i opened up to him sometime ago. a lady friend said it the last time i went out, in reference to the fact that I have gone out with 3 of her friends already. my barkada never had to say it, they said they accept me for whoever i am. hahaha.

they all say im a flirt. that i flirt with women. that although i don't really intend to be that way, i was subconciously doing things that justifies branding me such.

laughable? yes, i really think so. and for the longest time, i was saying i was not flirting with women, i was just being friendly with them. but where do one draw the line between flirting and being friendly?

it recently came to my attention that everybody at work thought that i courted a former officemate of mine while she was still with us. actually first time i heard about it was last year, from a new (then) officemate who candidly asked me if i indeed courted this lady. i flatly said no.

this time around, another former officemate told me that it seems common knowledge from work that i indeed courted the lady in question. i then tried to recall incidents from way back that might have led to that conclusion.

yes we were close friends. in fact that might have contributed a lot to that way of thinking. on my mind, we were close but not close enough to merit the question whether i courted her or not. in fact, inspite of the fact that we were the center of constant ribbing from other officemates, never did once we go out on a date. we do go out, but with other officemates on night outs. we might share a cab a time or two but that's because our houses are in the same direction from where we had a night out earlier that day.

there was also this inside comment that i easily fall for a different lady. again i heard it myself when a colleague masked it as a joke while i was chatting with a new officemate. i laughed initially because i know it was not true.

then a former officemate (the same one who told me that others thought i really courted another former officemate) offered her own reason why i was thought to be easily falling for a different lady. she said that in a span of less than a year, i fell in love with 2 different people.

hmmm. that i can't deny. its all true. but then again, can you blame me if i truly felt that way?!

but, that shouldn't be taken with a grain of salt. for if i fell in love twice within the same year, it shouldn't follow that every lady i will be identified with will be my next lady love.

so why was i thought to have courted her? why was i thought to easily fall for another lady?

my male officemate still referred to my subconscious flirting tendencies. he cites the lady in question when i opened up something. how i almost always know some of the rather popular (read: attractive) ladies in the work compound. how almost every single lady in the office got at one point, identified with me.

again, i reiterate i was just being friendly. i love chatting with people, sharing stories, sharing laughs and such. i like them to feel that i appreciate their presence in my life.

so where does one draw the line? for me there shouldn't even be a line because im not consciously flirting. but in the interest of conversation, one will know if there is something more than just "flirting" if i went out on a date with that person more than twice. that i assure you, offers as much evidence as anything else.

then in the end flirting isn't really all that bad. its just that im not into it consciously.

new year's resolutions

2006-01-06T17:25:00.000+08:00

its the new year and with it are hopes of new beginnings, new story-lines of your life, and new dreams.

it also is the time for the customary new year's resolutions.

let me clarify that i am not a believer in new year's resolutions. for if you really want to change, you don't need to wait for the new year to do it right?!

but this year somehow is different. it feels different. there is this voice in me whispering that i am not getting any younger and if i want some direction, i should start somewhere.

so now im formulating my own list of new year's resolutions. nothing big or drastic. just simple things that could well add up to a better and "matured" me.

1. i will not worry too much - things happen, they always will.

2. i will be more accepting - if it happened, it happened for a reason.

3. i will continue to hold on to my faith - because in the end, that is all we got.

4. i will spend more time with the family - once i get married, time with them would even diminish.

5. i will dedicate time to take care of my body - because a mind that is willing will not work while the body is weak.

6. i will spend less time at work - but be more efficient during work hours.

7. i will always let people know they are appreciated - because they deserve nothing less.

8. i will always say words like "thank you" and "take care" and mean it - because sometimes these words lose their meanings.

9. i will give more and expect less - if you give yourself to others, the sense of fulfillment would be the outmost high.

10. i will not look for love - usually, it really just finds us.

reminiscing

2005-12-13T13:42:00.000+08:00

there is something about reminiscing about the past that could be either wonderful or disheartening.

we can't help but reminisce, especially if that particular moment is so wonderfully woven on our memory that you know references to it will always bring you a smile.

but at the same time, it can be disheartening. it can open old wounds. wounds that you may have come to know now, haven't really healed yet.

yet when you do reminisce, there is a special glow in your eyes as you pick that particular moment from your memory. you start to talk about it as if it only happened yesterday. the bits and pieces are detailed as you remember how it happened, where it happened, why it happened.

but then in the middle of opening up, you became aware that you may have just opened pandora's box. you feel like you stirred up a wave of emotions that time has helped you control. you start to question why you went the road of the past once again...

...because you realize that it would only just bring you pain. because it hurts still.

a flurry of what if's, what could have been's besieged you. what if you went for your instincts instead of holding back. what could have been if you both risked finding out something for the both of you further.

and now, days after, you still feel the added burden on your chest. you thought you are 100% over it when what you feel tells you otherwise. you have opened your heart to another but a short time of reminiscing brought you back thoughts of someone you had to let go... and let go because she wasn't yours in the first place.

walking away from your past and not looking back was something everybody believes should be the norm. yet, looking back, reminiscing, will set you back to the realization that unless you place your whole essence on what you have right now and what's infront of you, you will forever be chained in the prison of what if's and what could have been's.

faith, hope, and love

2005-11-08T05:17:00.000+08:00

as i passed by the empty room, nearing the door, i saw it. a sign, a symbol. it glowed amid the darkened sky on the hills not far away. it was a symbol that has been lost in my person for the past year or so...

entering college, that sign/symbol was more of an emphasis for me. it was engrained in the teachings and lessons in the classroom. it touched me, thought me, guided me...

it was the sign of the cross. the crucifix. the symbol of my faith. the faith on the catholic church. the symbol that reminded me, all of us, of the sacrifice Jesus made for all of us. the sign guided me to become a better person.

don't get me wrong, i never lost faith in Him. however, what i did lose is my way to Him. all the teachings engrained to me were still there in my heart. i just didn't have the strength now to act on what was thought and instilled in me.

last year, everything that was thought in me about this faith since childhood, fostered while growing up, cemented during college, was finally bearing its fruit in my personal life. the path was lightened and it was a storybook-like life i have lived then, so i thought.

that was when i met her. her name was one that conotated the Blessed Mother, and she was every bit as captivating. she was beauty personified... and she was even a person that served the church.

having met her brought out the best in me, and everybody noticed it. in my mind, i will never be deserving of her in my then state. i had to be a better person. so i changed for the better. the more i changed my ways, the more i learned that i was not changing for her, i was changing for myself. she brought out that inspiration.

i thanked God for her. we both lived our lives with Him guiding us.

but then it was not a storybook ending. we parted ways. what i thought was forever was not meant to be. and i became lost. i started to ponder why God's grand design for me had panned out that way. why? us being together was short of magical, almost miracle-like, no doubt handled by His delicate hands. so why did it end that way?

so i lost my way. i never lost faith in Him. i just lost my way.

what happened the year or so after was like a blur: i thought i found love again, but i was wrong; i was in and out of some meaningless relationships; i longed for affection but also feigned it; i met women and thought they could be the one only to be slammed to the ground with the reality that i will not find love... it will find me.

in all of this, i didn't ask Him for help or guidance. a part of me became rebellious. how can i be allowed to feel true, wonderful love for the first time then had it snatched the life out of me?

but another part of me was still hopeful. hopeful that this was all God's plan after all. His grand design for me was not yet complete.

then i saw the sign of the cross on the horizon earlier. an eerie cold went through my body. i stood out under the moonlight, lighted a cigarette as thoughts run through my mind. the bible said something that there remained, faith, hope, and love... those three are forever intertwined!

all this time, i was waiting for the one woman that would make me feel what i felt when i was with my girlfriend last year. i knew that was the real thing so i was looking for the same feeling.

but again, you will never find love... it finds you. i just had to be patient. more so, i should never lose hope (not that i did). faith then comes and strengthens the foundation. love will then come.

i was so much into the magic of last year that i lost my way trying to find it again. i should have never lost my way... He was there always! i should have just used my faith in Him to strengthen my foundation, used Him as my guide.

in my heart, i never lost hope. i lost my way, yes, but hope i did not. but my faith wasn't there so love never really made its way to me.

as recent as an hour ago, i had questions about the feelings that has intensified in my heart the recent weeks. it made me indecisive. but seeing the sign in the horizon and what it symbolizes, now i know what i should do.

i have to rebuild my faith so that it can go hand-in-hand with hope. then, maybe then, love will come. when it does, the answers to my questions will be the wind that blows away doubt and ushers in an embraced truth!

the brothers

2005-10-20T03:13:00.000+08:00

inspired by the last video i watched, the brothers, which was about a group of friends that are forever identified with one another.

here is my own set of friends, my barkada, brothers... the pictures says it all.

*cecilio, myself, dennis, abet, and jay; gathering at my house, april 2005

*dennis, edjun, darwin, myself, and jay; gathering at jay's house, 2004

*dennis, myself, joel, darwin, jay, edjun (foreground) and cecilio (foreground) with joanne (edjun's wife) and couple of lady friends

*the barkada on jay's wedding with wives, girlfriends, dates, kids, and friends

talking to oneself

2005-10-17T23:38:00.000+08:00

you done it so many times before it starts to be mechanical... going through the motions...

yet you still do it because you like doing it. you have fun. you enjoy the time. hey, no strings attached right?!

yet this time around things are not quite that simple. you have questions on your own. you have concerns about the situation. yet you still go through it.

but alas, you enjoy the company you have. you go through one story after another and the time seemed to fly so fast. you both agree to cut the day short and quit while ahead. you both made plans again.

a second, and a third comes and goes. each time you learn something different. you learn how she thinks, how she perceives things, what she likes.

you also feel great that you went for the chance to get to know her better... and that she also gave you a chance to know her and for her to know you!

a fourth comes. this is unchartered territory. it was never really written in stone but you have come to acknowledge that some things needed to be approached like a cross-road. you go one direction or you go the other.

yet you still go through the fourth not mindful that it WAS the fourth. what you just know is that you are seeing her and spending time with her again. there was no cross-road, just a continuation of the road you are passing right now.

a fifth comes. it was short but eventful. you smile just thinking about what has happened so far. it was an adventure, an unmistakable unravelling of events. it has lead you to what you have in your lips now.

the little voice inside your head tells you to not let your guard down. you would have to agree with it.

but let me tell you now: if something makes you smile then you don't let anything take it away. for a genuine smile, a smile that comes from the heart, is the one thing that gives reason to our existence.

so the ball is on your turf now... do you have what it takes to go for something that could be special?

dating insights

2005-10-12T03:14:00.000+08:00

inspired by the movie HITCH and by my own experiences, i'd like to provide my own insights on "dating."

1. to date (or go out with someone) is to know each other better -- that is the sole purpose of dating. you get to know her better and for her to get to know you. take it from that point.

2. dont ask her out on a date, just ask her to go out with you -- it may mean the same thing but the word "date," for some girls, may be associated as a precursor to courtship hence if she might then be wary of sending out signals. asking her out (for coffee, a few drinks, dinner), sends out the message that you just want to spend time with her, no strings attached.

3. only go out with someone you like -- this is the basic truth: no one goes out with someone they dont like. now, "like" may mean a whole lot of things but basically, you dont want to be seen in public with someone you dont really like right?! it can be liking as friend or something else, but the basic thought is that you are at ease to be seen with that person.

4. have the confidence to ask her out -- it will be more honest and spontaneous that way.

5. going out is to spend more time with her -- can be as simple as having coffee or couple of drinks together

5. only go out with one girl at a time -- you may date her only once or 20 times but during the course of that time, it doesn't make sense to jump ship especially if you bear in mind the initial thought that dating is to know each other better.

6. have a plan but ask her what she likes to do -- when out, you should do something you both want to do. this is where the plan comes in. however, giving her the option to change the plan you have in mind will allow her to get more into the date.

7. don't take yourself too seriously -- enjoy the night! be there, be in the moment. don't go running how you two could spend your lifetimes together in your head. always put humor in the conversations.

8. be yourself -- putting your best foot forward is not always good. remember, she will probably know who you really are sometime soon. but don't go overboard and act as you might be when you are with your drinking buddies.

9. listen -- ... to what she says and most importantly, to what she is not saying. facial expressions, gestures, body movements, are all messages she is sending out. so you need to pay attention, you need to listen.

10. always take the bill and pay -- she might offer to split the bill but don't let her. i don't care what poeple say that it is so traditional. it is the right thing to do.

having all these insights doesn't really mean i am an expert on dating. in fact im far from it. but really, there is no real fine print on what to do and what not to do on a date. its up to you and the person you went out with and how you could build the chemistry between the two of you.

of being a bachelor

2005-09-15T23:27:00.000+08:00

yesterday night (actually early morning today), i met up with bong, one of my best buds, on our favorite hangout (Friends at El Pueblo). its ironic that we were the only ones hanging out on a wednesday night (thursday early morning exactly) as among the single guys in the group, we are the two most "practicing" bachelors. hahaha!

we had fun drinking and watching our new favorite band, mocha with spin art. and in between drinking and watching, we were exchanging stories on how our current bachelorhood is going.

bong and i have so many things in common aside from our friendship which started, as with the rest of the barkada, in highschool. we are both professionals (bong is a doctor, im an engineer) who are always consumed with work. we both enjoy time away from work. we both are currently living the "dating" lifestyle.

however, we have very different outlooks on dating. what's funny though is that the results are eeringly similar! hahaha! we may both have different approaches or styles but we have, more or less, experienced the same joys and pains while in a dating scenario.

that is why i felt i had the most honest conversation that i ever had among my barkada, about my social life. we listened to each other, and we never withheld anything back in giving out inputs on the situation we are in.

... and that situation is that we have been burned (badly) before and we sort of going through this "dating" lifestyle just to give ourselves a chance to meet somebody who would tame our lifestyle and give it direction which we lost before.

but right now, we are enjoying every moment being bachelors... being the most eligible bachelors on the barkada! hahaha!

hitch

2005-08-18T16:50:00.000+08:00

the movie 'hitch' has become one of my favorite movies. the storyline of a 'date doctor' who himself doesn't believe in the product he pitches (love) somehow runs parallel to a story of someone i knew... hahaha!

the movie, although funny and witty, brings to forth the one truth that has always been under the noses of both men and women... the truth that in life and love, there are no basic principles, we just have to live and experience it.

this movie also has a lot of notable quotes that caught my attention, to wit:

you know what it's like getting up every morning? feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. but, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you.

this quote started like sounding pathetic but ended with a flourish. yes, we may feel hopeless that the person we love maybe in love with somebody else. but then again, being in love also means wishing and wanting happiness for the other person, even when you might not be the one she shares it with.
___

life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.

this one i already heard of as a text message from last year but its message is truly wonderful. it sort of points us to the direction of living our lives to the fullest, enjoying every second of it.
___

people who are guarded are afraid other people might see through them... so they hide behind layers of secrecy and humor.

one of my favorites. people who have gone through some tough and hurtful instances in life have the tendency to put up a wall between them and the world. they keep every important thing to themselves, content that somehow the the time will come when all the hurt would just magically disappear. they do allow people in but usually, they force them out when the matters become serious. they usually do so even when the person that came into their life might be the one person that could bring the wall down. its a sad thing, but is true...
___

i'm a guy. since when do we get anything right the first time?

the funniest of the most notable quotes in this movie. its basically admitting that we men usually don't have a clue with regards to women. since women are mistifying and at the same time wonderful, they become puzzles that men love to complete but are having a hard time doing it. little that most of us know that women do not need to be figured out, they just need to be understood and accepted.
___

because that's what people do. they leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? but here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you.

sounds cheesy i know but consider the thought, the feelings. if you have been in love, you will know the feeling of seemingly like flying while walking. every step has this certain bounce, every smile has this certain glow, every word the comes out are fruits of inspiration. being in love with someone can indeed make you fly!

hitch is one great movie for me! i know others see it the same way.

if only...

2005-08-05T09:44:00.000+08:00

there is this one movie, if only, whom all the women that i knew watched it all said they loved it. so naturally, i was curious.

then by some sheer luck i was able to watch half of it, the last half, so i basically knew how it ended. however, there is something about this movie and all the fuss about it. so when i got home rather early (10pm on a weekday, hahaha, did i say early?), i got this idea to watch it on dvd. and i did.

it got me thinking... what if we could really have one day to live? a rather morbid thought right? but really, what if there was a possibility that the last sleep you will get on a particular day would be your last? how would you go through the previous hours of the day?

for me, ill get up early and go to the 6am mass. i haven't really gone to a mass for some time now. ill open up my heart to Him and surrender all my fears, pains, and regrets. ill pray for forgiveness. ill pray for everybody dear to my heart and moreso for those whom have hurt me.

then ill go to a mcdonalds branch and buy my family breakfast. if its a work day and my brother and his wife would need to go to work early, ill just make them take the breakfast with them to the office. ill eat my own breakfast with my mom and my dad and my aunt.

then ill call in sick and skip work. after all, nobody in his deathbed would say, "i wish i had a little more time at work!"

its still morning so ill stay at home and play with my niece jenna. ill carry her to the park beside our house and we will go play on the swing. ill try to make her smile always and for every little smile i get from her ill wish for more times like this.

if it becomes to hot outside, ill take jenna back to the house. ill ask my aunt to stay and not go back yet to our other house. we'll watch a video of her own choice. my aunt (my mom's sister) has always been there for me so ill spend this time with her.

when my mom and my dad will leave for work just before noon, ill wish them safety on their way before planting a kiss on my mom's cheeks. ill wave from the gate while their car leaves.

then ill call dennis and ask him not to take lunch yet and wait for me at adb. ill coerce him to treat me for lunch at ADB's wonderful restaurant. and while eating a late lunch, we will talk about his wife haydee and the kids; ise, biboy, and obie. ill especially ask him to tell my godson biboy that his ninong jonas will always be there for him no matter what.

after the lunch at ADB, ill drop by NEDA and ask darwin to have a yosi break with me. ill talk to him about his girlfriend monika and their kid. ill tell him to take care of his passions; his music, his writings, and his extended family.

off to the abs-cbn offices i will be to look for cecilio. ill watch from the sidelines while understanding how a technical director goes about his work. after a while, ill take him aside and tell him to take care of "inay." ill also ask him to try and move on from the past. he now has a good girl friend in essel who really want to be with him.

then ill take a cab to PUP and drop by mylo's office. ill ask him to look for all 4 of his daughters and his wife malyn with much more fervor. ill thank him for being a part of our barkada even when he only came in during college days when the rest of us were together since high school.

ill go straight to n. reyes hospital after and look for bong. if i catch him to not be operating on anybody, ill ask him to accompany me on the hospital canteen. we'll talk about what he really wants in life. ill ask him to be descerning of what he really feels about the girls he is seeing and just be with the one he has true feelings for.

then ill go to the philippine star office and talk to edjun. ill tell him to keep on doing everything and anything for him and his wife joann and their baby daughter arwen, my goddaughter.

by this time, it might be sundown. ill stop by somewhere and just watch as the sun sets. the majestic view of the sunset has always had a profound effect in me. ill watch it and just enjoy the beauty of the world, no matter where i am.

my last stop would be in atlas-copco on south-super highway. ill speak to abet and say sorry if i may have hurt him on my last email about him possibly choosing to go out more with his officemates than us, his barkada. i now know that is not the case. ill then ask him to continue inspiring my godson verosh to strive well at school. this kid really has promise. ill also ask him to continue to be a good provider for richelle and their other kid, dusk.

on the cab ride home, ill call my bestfriend jay and his wife mavee in japan. ill express my deepest gratitude to both of them for always being there for me even when they are miles and miles away. ill tell them not to lose hope and continue to pray for that baby to come soon for them.

since it is a long ride home, ill also call my best lady friend and the only woman in the barkada, maris, and tell her i really do appreciate her being like a sister to me. ill then wish her to have courage to do the one thing she really wants to do. its not only for her but for her daughter caile.

reaching home, ill ask my brothers dj and joffe, joffe's wife caye and their baby jenna, my aunt and my uncle (both siblings of my mom) to dress up and we will go out for dinner. ill call my mom and dad to meet us at via mare in the tectite tower. there, we will all eat dinner together amidst the view of the metropolis.

it may be around 11pm when we get back home. ill go to my room and call richelle, abet's wife, and ask for marianne's new mobile number. ill then call her and ask that she hear me out. ill tell her that it doesn't matter now that we still weren't able to talk about why we broke up. im just glad i have gotten the chance to be with her and experience for the first time what true love is. ill thank her for that chance.

after talking to marianne, ill go out of the room and into my brother's room. ill kiss baby jenna goodnight.

the day is ending and i now lay in bed. i take my mobile phone one last time and dial the number of the one other woman whom i had true feelings for. ill not be overly poetic or dramatic for that matter. ill just tell her what my heart truly feels for one last time... that short, that simple.

ill end my day with a prayer that somehow a miracle might come along and give me one more day. ill then live that new day with the same fervor and meaning i had as this last one.

my eyes will close and ill doze into slumber... for now... or for a lifetime. however which way it goes, i will know that i lived my life with no regrets.

the "bad boy" persona

2005-08-02T07:58:00.000+08:00

what is the fascination of women with the so called "bad boys"? i mean, you hear it a lot; on TV, in bars, in the office,... everywhere!

and what is the thrill for men to be a "bad boy"?

looking into it, i guess it is the same for both men and women. for men, we like that we are "bad" since it connotates someone who throws caution to the wind, the devil-may-care or me-against-the-world attitude, the notoriety that comes with it all.

for women, its roughly the same. they love someone who can do it all, when he wants to, where he wants to. they love the notoriety that comes with being with someone with the devil-may-care attitude. most of all, they probably equate being bad to be someone that would protect them anytime.

but what about the "good guys"? those people who are natural romantics, who adore women. those who shower their women with time, affection, and care.

women certainly appreciate the "good guys". however, of equal fascination for them is the mystique of the "bad boy".

there was this one guy i knew who always wanted to be thought of as a bad boy but somehow can't get by the good guy image. with women whom he just met in bars, he was a bad boy. but when he fell in love, his natural side prevailed... the good guy side. his was an identity crisis. he wanted to be someone he's not.

its a good thing this guy watched his favorite show ED on cable. a re-run of one episode shows Ed wanting to be the "dangerous" guy (aka bad boy) because the girl of his dreams, Carol Vescey, is always attracted to those kind of guys.

in the end of the episode, Ed had this to say to Carol:

i know why you like dangerous men. you don't like them because they're dangerous, its actually the opposite. dangerous men are safe. with them, you always know how it ends...

its a good thing that guy i knew watched that particular episode...

pain

2005-07-18T17:06:00.000+08:00

PAIN by Martin Nievera

The thoughts I have of you I treasure
The good times and the bad, we'll share forever more
Somehow, you've changed and you just didn't make it through
But I believe that one day, you'll have to know that I'm still in love with you

At times we couldn't understand each other
And though we tried we couldn't keep from fallin'
Somehow, somewhere our love had lost its way
And now I feel it's over, it's hard to say but I love you just the same

REFRAIN:
It's been so long since I had you by my side
I don't even know what to say or do
I tried so hard to get you off my mind
But I love you still try to understand
When I'm all alone...I still can feel the pain you've left behind

Thoughts I have of you I'll always treasure
The good times and the bad we'll share forever more
Somehow, somewhere our love will find a way
But I believe that one day
I'll hear you say that you love me all the way

nobody really wants pain in their lives. pain hurts, pain pinches your heart, pain lasts.

but we can look at pain differently. pain makes us stronger, it shouldn't make us weak. we can learn from pain and do whatever it is possible not to feel it further. pain lets you be human.

The song pain by martin nievera has an upbeat rhythm. it does not give out a solemn tone befitting its title. it gives us a different take on the subject. maybe the writer of the song wanted us to look into what pain can be in our lives and still be hopeful about making through it all. pain doesn't kill us. if only it reminds us that we are still alive!

pain and hope go hand-in-hand. letting you experience pain better allows you to appreciate all the small things in life. hope comes after pain.... then love comes and stays forever.

wanting to be somewhere else

2005-07-04T12:46:00.000+08:00

the quest to live my life to the fullest, with or without her beside me, has somehow lead me back to square one. it was a fun couple of weeks going through different directions and renewing connections with long lost friends. i wanted to be the person i was around 2 years ago. i wanted to be the person who is always having fun, enjoying what life has to offer, and enjoying a diverse group of friends and their companionship. but instead of the person who lives life for today, i wanted to be the person who lives life to the fullest for today and tomorrow.

but somehow, something just didn't feel right last weekend. it was supposed to be a good weekend; a trip to subic for my officemate's wedding, then go to the christening of my best bud's first child, where i was the child's godfather, the day after.

a good friend of mine whom admittedly, i had a history with before, was with me on both events. we started to meet up again lately. it was a conscious decision for me to go out with her as i do enjoy her company a whole lot. she challenges me a lot mentally and intellectually and both of us can be as forward to one another.

however, during the night in subic, while we were sitting together and watching shows in cable tv in our rented place, i felt something different. i felt uneasy and distracted. i had to excuse myself purposedly to smoke outside. while outside, in the courtyard, sitting on a bench, i confronted my thoughts...

i missed somebody else.

there i was, in a place far away where i was supposed to enjoy my time. there i was, in the company of a wonderful girl... but my thoughts were somewhere else.

indeed you can bury thoughts of a person you have feelings for. you can mask it by dating other women. you can hide it all by being happy while with another person's company. but you can't deny the fact that all things being equal, you would still want to be with the one person you have feelings for.

and that person is somewhere far away from subic. she is not the person waiting for me in the room.

i may be in subic, but in my heart and in my thoughts i wanted to be somewhere else...

back in more ways than one

2005-06-21T01:57:00.000+08:00

"back in more ways than one." i had that status on my YM when i finally logged backed in after more than a month of hiatus. and surprise, surprise, i had a whole lot of people chatting with me after just a few minutes online. before the day ended, i had online chats with 9 different people.

some did ask the reason behind the status message. i just told them that it is something that people should see in me from this point on... no need to elaborate.

a few other friends had actually been asking me why i was not logging on on YM. i had my reasons, justified or not, but nevertheless it made me decide not to.

but now, im back! not just on YM but on everything else i put in the back-burner for the past couple of months or so.

i was really in a funk since boracay. i just don't know exactly what triggered it but after all the fun in bora last april, my life was really spiralling for me. the only saving grace was the birth of my very cute niece, jenna last may 20. spending time just looking at her and playing with her is the best my days could get... atleast until last friday (17 June).

i just got over the hump. i had my mind set that whatever difficulties life has given me, it is actually up to me if i would let me affect me for so much. sure, it would be difficult. after all, im just human with all the emotions we all have. sure, ill be tempted to curse to the high heavens, utter careless words, belittle everything good supposedly behind actions done to me, or sulk on the things i can't have.

but i know that things do happen for a reason, and i finally understood that i can still find happiness from other places, not just from those whom i wished i would find it. i made a resolution to myself that inspite of everything negative that has or has been happening to my life, i can still choose to be happy!

i started it last friday. i made a pact to the barkada to always be around no matter what. after all, they have been my friends for half of my life... brothers even.

i then reconnected with friends from Friends. i know the reputation this place has had but let me tell everyone, there is no better word for that place than its name. i met diverse personalities at Friends and so far, the one thing in common from everyone is the fact that they enjoy life. when we all are in that place, we enjoy the time, and music, and dancing, and singing with the band, and the booze, and new found friends. actually, the last couple of times i got to that place, i only saw a couple of friends i made bonds with from 2 years back. but hey, Friends will never be Friends without the people being friendly and all, right?!

then the weekends sort of made me a new revelation. weekends should let you reconnect with the other important things in life, like family, friends, activities you really enjoy doing (like basketball), your creative passions (writing, sketching portraits), and your faith. in a busy world such as hours, these things shout for a share of your time. if our work puts the food on our tables, the time spent on these other important things are food for our soul!

late saturday night, i was out on the bench on the park beside our house (and beside the basketball court). the only light out there was the light from our house and the moonlight. i stayed out and just admired the world. i really haven't done that for so long. i got too involved with what was happening in my life that i forgot how to live my life to the fullest.

i now understand! i now know what i was missing! i now know i can still be happy! I'M BACK!

boracay blues

2005-04-25T17:08:00.000+08:00

the experience that was boracay was surreal to say the least. there it was in all its beauty, the prestine white sands, the clear waters, the myriad of water sports activities you can indulge on, and the best sunset view i have ever seen in my lifetime (as yet).

but the experience has somehow left me longing and wanting. the beauty of boracay is and will always be better appreciated if you are spending it with someone special. everything beautiful in this world becomes ten times better when you share it with someone you hold dear in your heart.

i've had that feeling before... true love and all its intricacies. though the object of that true love is now a part of my past, the ideals of being in that state of romantic bliss remains pure, immensed in my whole essense. so when another inspiration came along, the glimmering flame of inspiration shed light to a heart that is very much alive but is currently in slumber. it awoke with a passion of intensity; going through the uncertainties that cloud the road of life after the storm that hailed pain and heartbreaks, chasing out inner demons of broken promises and dreams, channeling doubts and questions and making them pillars that hold faith and belief strong amidst all.

but now is not the time nor the reason to rejoice in the rebirth of the purest and most wonderful feeling of all. for no great love matters if its not shared between two hearts that believes in it. and with all that i could offer, she, the one that inspired the rebirth, cannot reciprocate because of her own pains and heartbreak that engulf her inner presence. no amount of the purest of intentions could extinguish the flames of suffering that her heart is going into...

and i, caught up in this abyss where my feelings are seemingly trapped but remains alive. for every time i am within distance of the air she is breathing, for everytime i see her and be with her, for everytime i long to be with someone, she remains an auspicious presence.

we shared moments, but moments never remain just that. it might be fleeting but its effect lasts for all eternity. and for now, my heart still breathes and every little moment with her is a lifeline that continues to refresh me with.

moments with her are always treasured... but i don't know how long i can stay longing and wanting to hold the one person's hand in the one picture on my mind. that of us walking down the white beach front with the magnificence of the sunset as the backdrop of the most wonderful experience... all in boracay.

heaven's touch

2005-04-06T11:40:00.000+08:00

destiny draws up the road each our lives should take
we take this road and accept what it has for us
my road brought me someone whose thoughts i could not brake
for all she did was magic that was deemed as just

she was the person all my dreams were made to be
so sweet and so gentle with a heart that is true
she was everything i wished God would bless me
to breathe with and share with until my life is through

with her happiness dwelled in my ev’ry aspect
she brought light to my heart filled with emptiness
she taught me to understand and have respect
for wonderful things fate shared us with openness

everything was beautiful when she was with me
like the warmth of the sun and the breeze nights’ would bring
her aura radiates peace and calm for all to see
and words come out her mouth were always comforting

how i would like to see my road end up with her
but i know it may just be asking for too much
for wherever my road leads she’ll always be there
with all her thoughts of making me feel heaven’s touch

of losing a loved one

2005-03-30T16:08:00.000+08:00

last year, both my grandparents from my mother side died 5 months between each other. they represented the first 2 deaths in our immediate family. we were all devastated. but we had each other to depend on for strength. then there were friends who alleviated the pain by being with us and sharing our loss.

this week, 2 of my close friends lost a parent. last easter sunday, at 2am, my good friend cecilio lost his father to aneurysm. then, last monday at around noon, my bestfriend lost his aunt, the one person he considered both a mother and a father growing up. for us who belonged to the same barkada, we lost "itay" and "tita."

in times of loses, its always good to hold the hands of family and friends for strength and support.

to itay and tita: we love you and we miss you! but we know that you are in a much better place now, a place where there is no more pain and sufferings. and we know in our hearts, you're still there!

itay, tita, along with my lolo and lola now count themselves as part of our guardian angels. they will be with us, forever!

when guys get older

2005-03-29T18:35:00.000+08:00

i've never really thought about getting old. i guess i was one of those who believed that men, like wine, gets better with age.

but somehow, as the months go nearer to the day i turn 3 0, i can't help but hear things around me, inside my head, everywhere...

a former colleague of mine wanted to set me up with his friend saying i should dip my feet again on the dating pool since "di ka na bumabata." my ex-girlfriend thanked me for my birthday greeting by saying "thanks Kuya Jon." that lingering thought from my former boss who said i should marry and have a child while im still in my 20s so that when the child grows up, i can still take care of them instead of the other way around.

those thoughts are all around me...

but the prevailing thought in all of this came from my parents, who for the first time, gave me their 2 cents worth regarding my personal life. they said: try to go for a serious relationship. don't just settle for dates and playing the field. you are not getting any younger!

yes, somehow, a guy gets old and everybody notices it... if and only if he is still single and unattached.

i never really given much thought about settling down. i kept on saying that i can settle down with somebody anytime. its not a matter of when (or how old i am when i do it) but a matter of settling down with the right person.

but when you have gone through the process of meeting the (supposed) right girl, loving her truly, then getting engaged; you are bound to look for the same thing the next time around. you may have failed the first time around in planning to spend eternity with one person, but definitely when the wounds heal, you will long for that feeling again.

this is the reason why inspite of all the voices i am hearing, im staying still and not rushing into things. because for me right now, i won't be wasting any of my time fooling and playing around like i was 2 years ago (before i met the supposed right girl). i've been there, done that.

i'd rather be with someone i enjoy spending time with even when the time is spent just talking about even the simplest of things. i'd rather spend time with someone i can be myself with, no pretentions, no hidden agendas. i'd rather be with someone that has the makings of being the one but without the pressures of getting there abruptly. i'd rather be with someone that makes my heart feel young, with the feeling so light, riding the waves of bliss.

getting to be 30 in a couple of months somehow signals that indeed, im getting older. but at that age, when your heart knows what it wants, knows the virtue of patience, and understands the beauty of loving truly; guys like me then, never grow old.

chasing amy

2005-03-21T02:31:00.000+08:00

I love you, do you love me?

I love you and not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced attraction puppy dog way although I'm sure that's what you call it. I love you, very simply, very truly.

You're the epitome of everything I've ever looked for in another human being and I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it, I just can't take this anymore, I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels, I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably like queer our friendship, but I had to say it cause I've never felt this way before and I don't care, I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this out tonight means that we can't hang out anymore then that hurts me but God I couldn't allow another day without getting it out there regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face, is to be the inevitable shoot down and you know I'll accept that but I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment and if there is a moment of hesitation then that means you feel something too and all I ask is that you please not dismiss that and try to dwell on it for just 10 seconds.

There isn't another soul on this whole planet who has made me half of the person I am when I'm with you. And I'd risk this friendship for a chance to take it to the next plateau because it's there between you and me you can't deny that. Even if we never talk again after tonight please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me.

-- taken from a scene from Chasing Amy where Holden (Ben Affleck) expresses his feelings to Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams).

unable to sleep (again)

2005-03-18T02:28:00.000+08:00

as in the case of the past several weeks, im still up and unable to sleep early. it makes no difference if i need to report to work in the morning or in the afternoon or if its the weekend... i just can't get myself to sleep early...

right now, the usual time when i get sleepy is anywhere between 2am to 4am. that usually is not a problem when i go to work in the afternoon. but if i am in the regular shift (9am), that's when it turns out to be a little iffy... that is when i need to have coffee in the morning, when i get to the office, then after lunch... coffee sustains me (and ofcourse my daily dose of multivitamins).

i wrote here before about this already. i wrote something why i can't sleep. and i know why. but i also know that it is self inflicted. why? well i tend to think about things a lot... sometimes, i get to a point that i overly analyze things up to exhaustion. by then, sleeping it of is the only recourse.

yes, im an analytical person... too analytical perhaps. that kind of thing pays of when done in the context of work since analytical skills form a big part of every employee's framework. but when being analytical is done in the context of one's personal life? it then becomes both a gift and a curse. a gift because i tend to factor-in what my mind says. a curse because i tend to factor-in my mind in personal things too much.... which then results in this... spending early part of the day on the internet and unable to sleep.

maybe i should start not getting my head more on my personal life. after all, that is the essense of the personal life, you let your heart guide you through it. but then again, if my head and my heart are saying 2 separate things, where do you go?

as for me, ill try to go to my bed, turn off the lights, lie down, and close my eyes. maybe, just maybe, sleep will visit me soon. i need it. my body is weakend by flu-like symptoms the last couple of days, my mind has been over-loaded by thoughts of work and of my personal life, and my heart has been in and out of emotional coma...

sleep is my salvation, my hiding place, my escape. i long for it now...

how we perceive beauty

2005-03-08T16:44:00.000+08:00

this was written last march 4 while im still in hongkong.

it is the tail-end of my stay here in hongkong. i should have been back home a week ago but complications with my workload here prevented me from doing so.

it was sad that i wasn't able to go home last saturday. i was actually walking at nathan road in hongkong during the time my supposed flight home was in the air...

but i was here for work not for anything else... so i dealt with it.

along with the extended stay was a transfer to a different residence. from the busy, urban lifestyle that is at eaton hotel in nathan road, i transferred to a laid-back, quiet lifestyle of hongkong sports residence in sha tin, new territories. eaton hotel, apparently was fully-booked and couldn't extend my stay... so off i go to far-away sha tin.

the first couple of days were terrible. i really couldn't hide my disappointment in the place. there was really no place to go! its very unlike in nathan road where there are tons of place to go to. the place was quiet. it was sort of a country club where you can have membership to avail of the sports facilities available (and there are a lot of sport facilities available here... a lot... the complete facility for sports, i mean it).

and the cold weather in that place is actually harder for a guy coming from a tropical country like me. it is widely thought of that the temperature in that place is 2 degrees lower than in the rest of hongkong.

but it kinda grew on me. the other night, i walked on a very well lighted road outside of the sports facility. it stretched towards the banks of the shing mun river. that place is really beautiful. its like one of those lovely streets in paris where you can easily fall in love. on the opposite banks of the river is the treasure floating restaurant where it illuminates the whole surroundings.

what is actually beautiful and what is not, does not really refer to aesthetics or what one has that the other does not have. beauty comes from within us and how we reflect it on everybody and everything around.

valentines day in a place far away

2005-02-22T00:46:00.000+08:00

with Valentine's day happening monday of last week, i find myself in hongkong because of work. it is hongkong... i keep reminding myself. and even when it was because of work why i am here, a lot of people perhaps would like to be in my shoes because of the leisure that will come alongside work in a foreign land. who can resist shopping, ocean park and its abyss ride, the night market?...

well, i thought i can. and up until writing this, i am not really 100% excited being here. well maybe it had something to do with doing what i should be doing here, work, and all the pressures that come with it.

but i know it was something else. i missed Valentines day. i know you might say that i never really missed it because its still Valentines day when i got here in hongkong but it just doesn't feel like it. as they say, home is where your heart is... and my heart is thousands of miles away.

i remember the airport check-in counter lady asking me: Sir, paano yung Valentine's day mo? i just smiled and said, "sayang nga eh."

i know, the best valentines day would be with someone you love, that simple, wherever you may be, as long as you are together...

valentines

valentines,
roses and chocolates
stuff toys and gifts
excitement in planning
exhuberance in giving
heavenly bliss.

valentines,
thoughts and feelings
words and writings
inspiration all abound
caring hands all around
wonderfully sweet.

valentines,
wanting and needing
wishing and hoping
heavenly bliss
wonderfully sweet
dreams of you and me.

sleepless in cainta

2005-02-09T13:18:00.000+08:00

hahaha. my title has obvious reference to sleepless in seattle. for those of you who do not know the movie, it starred Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. it was of romantic-comedy genre and was about destiny...

but the title offers more truth than the obvious reference to the movie. for sometime now, i find myself unable to sleep immediately. i usually resort to either watching tv, reading a book, or writing in my journal until my eyes tire themselves out.

but how come i can't sleep?

let me refer you first to something from the movie sleepless in seattle. the scene was during the phone interview with Samuel Baldwin (Tom Hanks) by Dr. Marsha Fieldstone of Network America. Sam was dragged on the phone by his child Jonah so that he can have some help from a clinical psychologist, who was also hosting a radio show. Dr. Marsha (that's how she wanted Sam to call her), asked what about Sam's wife did he liked the most.

... it was a tiny million things that when you add them up all together, you just knew you were meant to be together. and i knew it! i knew it the very first time i touched her! it was like coming home, only to know home like you've never known before. i was just taking her hand, to help her out of the car, and i knew it. it was just like.... magic.

although it was only in a movie, those lines depicted how much Sam loved her wife. how a man should sometimes cease to find reason for feelings of love and just believe in magic.

that is the reason why i can't sleep... the feeling of magic... i felt it, i am continually feeling it. i never planned to feel this way especially after what i went through last year... but i am feeling it now. it must really be magic.

and like Sam, there was one instance when i knew. and it was really simple. i just took her hand to comfort her during a difficult time and it wasn't even us holding hands. it was more of my hand over hers. but i knew it then, i felt something. i was concerned for her, i didn't even think about anybody or anyone else. my whole being was focused on her, on what she is going through, on what i can do to help. that time, i knew she meant more to me that what i previously thought.

it was my hand over hers... and i knew it! it was just like... magic!

thoughts during sunset

2005-02-07T18:38:00.000+08:00

..the following piece was taken from my 2001 office diary. dated November 3, Saturday; i vaguely remember sitting in our front porch looking out. then i wrote this....

the world is how we make it

ever catch that few minutes before night time actually sets in? the time when you can't actually see the sun anymore except for its yellow-orange like reflections on the clouds? you can still see the blue sky, not exactly as bright as earlier but enough to see the clouds that are forming opposite where the sun sets.

in these few remaining moments of light, you could hear the serene tunes of the night wind blowing. you could see the few remaining birds flying in silhouette. you can feel calmness.

as the night post light opens, you have come to realize something, something that these few minutes provided you with... the beauty and grandness of the world. the ongoing phenomena of light-dark-light. the wonder that amid the attached gloomness darkness may bring will also give you hope that light would still be there in the form of the post light, the early visible stars, or the mysterious moon when it finally shows its face.

we find comfort that amid all these, HE is there for us, showering us with beauty! these few minutes before darkness showed me something i would be treasuring forever. for it showed me beauty, hope, comfort, and the realization that the world is how we make it. i choose to make it WONDERFUL.

anybody want a cigarette?

2005-02-02T13:39:00.000+08:00

i have posted here, my only 2 works that was published somewhere, sometime ago. one piece i made just recently (actually a couple of months ago) , an essay, i thought i could pass on into Youngblood again and hoped to be published. but since Youngblood has sort of re-formatted into publishing only one work per week, i knew my chances to have this one published is slim. so i decided on the next best thing, posting it here in my blog... after all this was meant to be a repository of words and writings...

i made this essay several months after a particularly painful event in my life. it came when i was in a crossroad and i had to choose whether to continue with the road i am trekking now or to go a different direction. following what i was feeling at that particular point, i chose the latter.

in the realm of writing something true and heartfelt, this was one that would be true to my ideals in writing... that is putting into words, the emotions and feelings that i have...

yosi tayo!

One of the things I was proud of before was that I never succumbed to the temptations of smoking. I never even tried a single puff. Not even when most of my closest friends have been smoking for most of the time that we were together. Not even when I have dated several women who do smoke. Not even when I had a girlfriend who does smoke.

Then, a couple of months after my 29th birthday, I saw myself asking one of my closest friends if I can have one cigarette. With a smile that belies disbelief, he handed me one. Before I knew it, I already consumed four cigarettes. All of my friends were finding the whole thing amusing; they even took several pictures of me smoking. But for me it was never amusing, because several hours before, my fiancée and I had a major disagreement over the phone. I never told my friends about it, I just asked them if they would want to get together for a round of drinks and they accepted. During the whole night-out, we were all laughing and joking around but deep inside I was hurting. I wanted to scream and shout but I can't do that. I wanted to do something crazy, something surprising, something that is not within my character… so I smoked a cigarette, for the first time in my life.

A couple of days had come to past, after we patched things up, I told my fiancée about me smoking. She was generally surprised but knew and understood why I did it. She herself is into smoking albeit only occasionally and never out of a whim. We just didn't talk about it anymore.

Several days after, she asked me if she could smoke while with me. I asked her why but she said she just needed to smoke. I relented and then bought her a pack of her cigarette brand and a lighter. I then gave her a stick then lighted it. I took one myself and lighted it. She just looked at me. We puffed the cigarette in silence. Halfway to my cigarette stick, I felt I had enough and threw it out. I then crumpled the rest of the pack of cigarettes together and threw it out of the car together with the lighter. My fiancée looked at me and asked why. I said "I really didn't want to smoke."

The next month saw us breaking the engagement and then breaking up altogether. It was a very difficult time for me but I managed with the help of my family and friends. I was tempted to smoke again but found the strength to resist it.

Then several months after, while with a group of officemates in Tagaytay, this new girl from our group approached me and offered a cigarette from her pack of Marlboro Lights. Instinctively, I took one. That night, I started to smoke again.

Before long, I understood what other smokers are saying when they contend that it's great to smoke after a hearty meal, or that smoking while on a night out helps you when the beer starts to taste differently (roughly the same time you feel like you are nearing your intoxication tolerance level). But for me, smoking came as a challenge; if I can do something I really did not want to do (that is smoking), then I can do something my heart doesn't want me to do (to forget my feelings for my ex- fiancée). It was psychological to say the least but if I can learn to like smoking, then I can learn to accept what fate held up for me and my ex, then I can let go.

I've had different reasons for smoking. It started when I was just pissed off. Then, it became a challenge. Right now, if I do smoke, I'll do it because I am willingly letting myself be influenced by the same girl from the office (although she has a few months tucked under her belt now so she isn't new anymore) who offered me a cigarette in Tagaytay. I really have come to know her more and enjoyed her presence in and out of the office. She has added color to my life that has become more of black and white the past several months.

I long to hear her say again; "tara, yosi tayo!" This time around, I'll light up a cigarette, smoke it, and then enjoy the company of the one person that made me smile again and be hopeful for the future.

my 2nd published work

2005-01-31T13:44:00.000+08:00

my first published work was in high school and it took me around 10 years to have another one published. it was in the Youngblood section of YOU in INQ7.net where it appeared. it was during the month of August 2001 (i can't really recall the date now) when i saw it. but unlike my first published work, nobody among my circle of friends knew i had something i wrote published. why you may ask? this was something personal for me (...then) and i wanted only one person to read it.... that one person is the one i am referring to in this essay.

writing for Youngblood came as an invitation for me to try it from an officemate of mine. she had one of her stories posted and she showed it to me with great pride. who wouldn't be, you have your name in a broad sheet somewhere and there may be millions reading it!

so i tried... i knew, in order to create a piece that is true and heartfelt, i had to write something that i am emotionally attached to then. after about less than 2 hours, i came with the following:

best of me (no more games)

Having to say a “I’ve found the girl of my dreams” is a tad bit childish, something you may frequently hear from teenagers gathering around in your nearby McDonalds. To hear it from a 26-year old engineer, highly unlikely. But I said the exact same thing to my barkada during a round of drinks in a bar, one Monday evening. Amidst all the “kamustahan,” jokes, and other stories worth sharing, I made an announcement: “P’re, I’ve found the girl of my dreams. I think she is the one I can spend time with. All I need to do now is to make her say yes!” With that, we all roared in laughter. Here we are, on a Monday at that, laughing so hard that the few other bar patrons around may have thought we are lousy drunks with nothing else to do. But I know better, we all know better.

This was the same group of guys I’ve been around with since high school. The same group of guys I shared happy moments such as this one, or sad ones. Sure, we may now only be 5 from the 17 we use to be during high school but we are the ones people will associate with each other always. These are the same group of guys who saw me through to two rejections 2 years apart in high school and my first year in college. The same guys who knew when I finally had a girlfriend during my 4th year in college, and the same ones who saw me transform from being a rather shy person with girls to a very confident one around them.

Yes, I was different from who I was in high school. I guess it started during my 5th year in ECE studies. Being a 5th year senior in an all-boys school, we had opportunities to mingle with girls from known all-girls schools on official and unofficial functions. Gradually, I was able to be around in group-dates then on one-on-one dates. By the time I graduated, I have dated a girl from that all-girls school and another one who I met through a friend.

When I got to work, opportunities for going out with someone was a bit easier if only for the reason I need not save my lunch money like what I did during college, my pay could take care of that. I’ve met several girls from my company, was able to befriend them, go on with group “meryenda’s” on a nearby “carinderia”, and then later on ask one of them out. In my second company, I was able to very much do the same. I was dating women in and out of the company frequently that sometimes, I find it difficult to make my pay last till the next payday but that was OK, I was enjoying every bit of it.

My barkada knew of this “new” me and they were happy about it. So do the people who knew me during high school and the heartaches that I had then. They were pleasantly happy that I was able to change from being a pathetic loser to a confident bachelor. I loved the “new” me. But there were others who thought the opposite. A former officemate of mine said I was playing around with other women’s feelings, asking them out on dates then not courting them, she even said it infront of my other officemates. I was a bit stumped on the beginning but I managed to answer with a little bit of a compromise offered. I said, I am dating them to get to know them better, to get to feel if there is chemistry between us, and that if everything turns out fine, I would pursue them romantically. But often times, I did not.

You see I am not that lucky with girlfriends. Had a girlfriend who was so immature it makes you miserable? I did. Had a girlfriend who was fixed to be married to a foreigner (yes it also happens in real life)? I did. Had a girlfriend who broke up with you just because you initially laughed when she asked for your thoughts on marriage, when she was only 22? I did! Being able to date a number of women doesn’t translate to finding that one person you can commit your time with. That doesn’t mean I don’t court women because I find some fault in them during dates. In fact some of them are real girlfriend-material, someone you could introduce to your mother and have her feel proud of you. Most of the times there is something missing; a spark, a magical thing that you find hard to explain but you most certainly feel, something you knew the first time you talked or just even see her, something you just realized you’ve always wanted.

That how I felt toward Reese. She was also from the same company I now work in. She is attractive no doubt, that I knew the first time I saw her. But what I was attracted to the most is who she really is. I used to describe her as refreshing, someone that would brighten your day by just being around with. She doesn’t hide who she is because she doesn’t need to. She is so friendly, smart, vibrant, charming, level-headed, I could use a lot more adjectives but that would not nearly do her justice. She is just captivating.

Now come the concerns. Being the person that she is, there are a lot more other guys attracted to her. In our company, I knew of 4 other guys who openly said they like her. She also has not had a boyfriend, by choice, so one may think she would most likely choose that one person that would reflect her level of being captivating, to be her first. She comes from an affluent and conservative family where ideals are held high. She is the only girl from a brood of three. She radiates an aura of being a comely, refined lady.

What have I to show for myself? I am not that good-looking. I am a rugged, athletic guy who finds sweat coming from a game of basketball to be very manly. I was accused of playing with the feelings of other women. I was a typical bachelor who sees a night in the red light district as some guy-tradition we must perform from time to time. In the realm of all that is true, I will be asked, whether directly or indirectly, what could I offer to see me worthy of her affection?

Well, I don’t play games anymore. I’ve been there, done that. I realize that games are better left for kids to play. What I feel now is true and I would not do anything to compromise it. Even without this feeling, I feel that I owe it to myself to stop doing the things that can underscore your character and just be the best person you can be.

What can I offer her? Just the best of me. Will that be enough? I hope so. Well, if she chooses me, I might as well consider myself the luckiest man on this earth. If she doesn’t choose me? Well… lets just hope that doesn’t happen ok?

my 1st published work

2005-01-30T01:53:00.000+08:00

'twas in high school, in the second edition of "buklod diwa," our school's paper. in the literary section, i had my poem published. it was actually my second poem and like the first one, was dedicated to a girl from the 3rd year (i was in my 4th year) class.

back then, you score major points when you have the whole school read the poem you made. and the girl you dedicate that poem for becomes enamoured with you suddenly. how can she not, when all her friends are at her ear saying i am the sweetest guy around.... hahaha.

i will publish that poem here. if only i could find the actual school paper where that was posted (i saved all 4 issues from my senior year in high school), i would have scanned it and posted it here instead. but somehow, i can't find it. so i had to settle for writing it down for you all to read. i had to lift it from the actual notebook i first wrote it into.

but before you rip my head off after reading the poem, be reminded that i wrote it in high school... a time when being sappy is synonymous with being sweet. also, note that it was only my second poem... i haven't even known about syllable counts and thought processing. all i knew then was to have the lines rhyme.

so please understand? hahaha.

waiting is not forever

remember when i said i can wait
and wait without an exact date
for you to realize that i care
and accept my love with no one to dare

somebody said im a fool
waiting for a girl when i can be cool
that i can get another girl in a snap
with a promise not to have a single gap

i did not pay attention to what he said
it did not bring sleepless nights in bed
because i know its just another obstacle
one that i must try to handle

questions came into my mind
questions which i left behind
is she worth it, can i last
did i learn from lessons of the past

yes, she is the kind of girl to wait for
with a face i'd like to see some more
a smile that can enlighten my day
and sweetness that can lead my way

yes i can wait, i can hold on
obstacles may soon be gone
days that pass we must remember
because waiting may not be forever

... the one that started it all.

2005-01-28T20:24:00.000+08:00

i remember high school and my barkada were the coolest ones in school. there are 17 of us who first got together because of a common liking for basketball. later on we rediscovered we had other things in common.... like girls, how much we loved girls in high school...

back then, we tried everything to capture the heart of the girls. one great idea came from one of us who was also an editor of the school paper. he said: why not post poems on the school paper? now that is a great idea!

then i remember one scene from the movie dead poets society. in that scene, one of the guys began reciting a poem that unknown to the girl he was reciting it to, was written by a known poet. what a good way to reel in a girl! butter them up with poetry! hahaha.

here is that poem in full:

she walks in beauty; by lord byron

she walks in beauty like the night
of cloudless climes and starry skies
and all that's best of dark and bright
meet in her aspect and her eyes
thus mellowed to that tender light
which heaven to gaudy day denies.

one shade the more, one ray the less
had half impaired this nameless grace
which waves in ev'ry raven trees
or softly lightens o'er her face
where thought serenely sweet express
how pure, how dear their dwelling place.

and on the cheek and o'er the brow
so soft, so calm yet eloquent
the smiles that win, the tints that glow
but tell of days in goodness spent
a mind at peace with all below
a heart who's love is innocent.

prelude

2005-01-28T19:50:00.000+08:00

writing has always played a big part of my life. i really don't know why but there is just something about putting your thoughts into words and writing it down on a piece of paper.

and i could write! i wrote everything: poems, essays, quotes, short stories, love letters.... and this blog would host some of the words and writings that became a part of my life. pieces that were fruits of inspiration... because that is all you need to write something true and heartfelt.

most of those that will posted from this point on are my own words and writings. some are from acknowledged writers. some even came from movies. however, all of them has contributed to the person i am now... a person with a whole lot to give.

so enjoy reading... read and know the person i am.